Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   The next relationship I get into, I will be buying a bottle of shampoo that some day...for they will both be in a secret competition to see which will last longer...

   Duct tape: Turning NO!, NO!, NO! into mmm, mmm, mmm.

   I could kill you with kindness, but shoving you into traffic just saves so much time.

   BEST EXCUSE: I didn't scream out someone else's name during sex. I was thinking of baby names in case you get pregnant...

   We all have that one friend with the hot sister everyone wants to get with.

   I never use the little twist ties to close a bag of bread...I just spin the bag and tuck it under the loaf of bread.

   I saw something that reminded me of you...but don't worry, I flushed the toilet and washed my hands.

   Fat chick posts a picture on Facebook* "Fresh out the shower (; " Me: "You spelled ocean wrong."

   If you take the vowels out of FEMALE you get FML. Coincidence? I think not

   Girls want a guy who is "funny and spontaneous", but when I tap on a girls window at night dressed as a clown, she flips out!

   I'm not saying she is a slut, but she calls her underwear "ankle warmers"

   Who makes the sandwiches in a lesbian relationship?

   Walmart calls them "self-checkouts," I call them "I might not pay for some of this."

   I'm not short; I'm concentrated awesome. :)

   Where do I purchase one of those filters that goes between my brain & my mouth?

   If Monday hd a face......I would knock the $h!t out of it!!!

   The only people mad at you for speaking the truth! Are those living a lie!!!

   oh, So you go to 'the university of swag'? be sure and put that on your Mcdonalds application.

   I will not chase you after anyone anymore!.......If you walk out of my life, I'll hold the F-N door open for you!!!

   I think we can probably stop worrying about who let the dogs out.... They're probably dead by now anyway.