Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Be great. If they hate you, be GREATER.

   that outstanding moment when he/she realizes you're right and won't respond to your text.

   Some french fries are excellent, and other french fries are just an acceptable way to eat ketchup…

   A Life ?! Where can I download one of those?

   CANCEL CANCEL CANCEL!! *Message Sends* Kill me now

   I wouldn't have to manage my anger if people would manage their stupidity.

   I thought I was head over heels over her. But then I realized it was just because she let me get her heels over her head.

   Knowledge is knowing a tomato is a fruit; Wisdom is not putting it in a fruit salad.

   I have this weird fetish where I like to sleep with attractive and smart women...

   The worst thing ever = that moment during an argument when you realize you're wrong.

   The PT Cruiser is probably the most expensive form of birth control.

   Spice Girls reunite?!?! We have to ask... Which one would you bang?

   A woman will watch the game with you. The perfect woman will watch it on top of you.

   For the love of God, ASK me, don't AXE me!

   I always look around the bar to see what level of women are there before I decide what level of drunk I have to become.

   If the fate of humanity ever rests on me filling out an online survey, we're pretty much doomed.

   I had 3 mouthfuls of aerosol whip cream & 2 diet Pepsi's for supper if anyone's looking for an executive chef.

   Our constantly changing mother earth....The original bi-polar.

   "This town ain't big enough for the two of us." said someone who was terrible at both english and geography......

   "Congratulations! You have won $250.00 dollars worth of shopping vouchers or a night at an Elvis Presley tribute act. To claim your prize,press 1 for the money, 2 for the show..."