Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   I bet Tequila flavored condoms would be a huge hit in Mexico. Vodka for Russia and Burgers with Fries for the U.S.

   Something tells me that girl with the word "Princess" tattooed on her neck isn't really Royalty.

   Theres nothing quite as annoying as drunk fat girls.

   hey lady, why don't you undress and show us your talent?

   Doctor, Doctor give me the news I gotta bad case of OBAMA blues.

   Husseincare is unconstitutional

   Thief injustice Benedict Arnold Roberts

   The Supreme Court is like regular court but with sour creme, guacamole and extra cheese.

   Percentage of my texts that include the phrase "LOL" - 75% . Percentage of times I'm actually laughing out loud- 0.001%

   Take your time, because relationships that start fast, end fast.

   To the jerk that has been stealing everyone's lunch from the company refridgerator, I sprinkled just the right amout of marijuana and cocaine on that sandwhich of mine you just ate, to fail that suprise drug test that is coming tomorrow! Karma Baby!!!

   If the world was really going to end wouldn't all the expiration dates be set for December 23rd or whatever day it is.

   My girlfriend bought me a can of Axe bodyspray for my birthday......However, I live in a predominantly black neighborhood so around here we call is Ask.......

   i only pay my cell phone bill when they disconnect my phone.....

   “No officer, there is no blood in my alcohol system.”

   My wife said "what is wrong with you? You have recorded 17 episodes of Hoarders." I said "I know, don't you see the irony of it, I'm hoarding shows of Hoarding."

   Would I be in a porno for a million dollars? It depends. What kind of porn? Will my mom see it? Do I have to pay the million all at once?

   If I ever shot the sheriff, I'd probably go ahead and shoot the deputy too. Along with any other witnesses, because at that point why not.

   i once told a girl that she was "special" and she totally accepted it as a compliment.

   I always remember our time together. That's why I'm getting a lobotomy.