Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   To overcome my gambling addiction my therapist advised me to Google it. It's hard to look past the "I'm Feeling Lucky" button though.

   Supplies! -Asian surprise party

   I hope there comes a day when cancer is just a zodiac sign

   How about adding "Be a nice person" to your bucket list. Any as*hole can jump out of a plane.

   A smart man will buy his wife the finest china, so she won't trust him to touch it.

   Have you seen the latest stripper poll. 87% of them are skanks...

   Make little things count.....Teach midgets math.

   I think "Magic Mike" will lead to many a man getting laid because of their woman coming home from the theatre horny. Thanks Magic Mike

   I often pick my dog's poop up with an empty Baby-Ruth wrapper... What I do with it afterwards is strictly on a need-to-know basis.

   If ANY of my posts have made even one person's day better,, then there's something seriously wrong with that person

   Girls are never wrong. Until they are. Then they cry and are, somehow, not wrong again.

   One day, long, long ago, there lived a woman who did not whine, nag, or complain. But it was a long time ago, and it was just for that one day.

   If you watch porn in high definition you can actually see how lonely you are.

   Truly amazed by how much the people in the commercials care for us.

   I copied my Match.com bio from a used car website. White - Good condition - Reliable - Cheap - No evidence of rear end damage. Must See.

   Logged into Facebook. ‘Happiness is like a butterfly….' Logged out of Facebook.

   My favorite exercise after a heavy meal is regret.

   All icebergs are cold. Every last one of them. There I go, glacial profiling again.

   If you ever feel sad and blue, just remember that somewhere in the world, there's a fat kid who just dropped his ice-cream.

   Yesterday President Obama released a new commercial aimed at female voters. Which explains the commercial's title, “Fifty Shades of Change.”