Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Oh, you're a lesbian? You're not attracted to men, so you go date girls that look like men. That makes complete sense.

   saw Magic Mike....pissed....no Magic Johnson,no Mike Jordan and not one freakin Basketball!!!!

   I Just unlocked the 'Five Naps in One Day Achievement' in the game that is my life.

   OJ Simpson has got 2 things every man wants, a Heisman Trophy and a dead wife.

   People in Arkansas are curious if this health plan is going to cover tooth whitening.

   It's so hot outside, Our hummingbirds are demanding red gatorade!

   What the heck is there a "z" in "LOLZ" ... Laugh Out Loud... Zebra?

   Call me a rank nostaligist, but I possess an almost misty-eyed fondness for the pre-face eating era...

   Breaking news: future editions of Monopoly will feature interchangable spaces for what are now Income Tax and Luxury Tax. Players will have the option to choose from the words "Tax," "Penalty," or "Fine," because, clearly, words no longer have meanings

   Little Boys shouldn't play Big Boy games.

   ‎4th. of July celebrations should be cancelled due to the lack of any real Independence...

   Brace yourselves... Everyone on Facebook is about to become a constitutional scholar.

   bring back always on schedule never on time

   I just dropped my iPhone in liquor, and now Siri is slurring her words, won't stop talking, stumbling and trying to have sex with me.

   Apparently watching your lover sleep is only romantic when they know who you are.

   My innocent look never works in the nude.

   If you thought the waitress gave you excellent service, is a 20% tip appropriate? How about a slap on the ass?

   Ladies; if you're not prepared to drink the whole bottle of wine, don't even uncork it.

   Nice lips. When will you be closing them?

   Guys, flowers die, chocolates make'em fat, shoes wear out & stuffed animals are boring. Don't be stupid, give her rocks. They last forever.