Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   / I'm not saying women are smarter than men, but its kinda ironic that there's so few known women serial killers and so many unsolved murders.

   I just killed a spider with my vibrator! If I can figure out how to open jars with it, men can pretty much go screw themselves.

   /Sometimes I like to let the pastry cream from my eclair slide down my chin and I whisper "mommy likey" to myself. I'm lonely.

   omg 109 degrees . its so hot people dont even tan anymore they just rust.

   Magic Mike: raising women's expectations of every man.

   Man if they really made CHILL PILLS, Id have overdosed by now O_o

   MS Exchange Server Logon Failure: Your password will expire in 5 days. Do you want to change it now? -----Yes, the layoff/ downsizing list announcement is in 4 days.

   I drink vodka and gin. My alter ego drinks tequila and rum. Together we make one hell of a Long Island Iced Tea.

   You'd think eating Ramen noodles with a butter knife would encourage me to wash dishes or at the very least go eat dinner at a Strip Club.

   Whoever left me in charge of my own destiny has a lot of explaining to do.

   Today, I found out my wife is pregnant. She hadn't even called me; I saw the news on my Facebook news feed.

   The Jehovah's Witnesses witnessed me whacking off on my couch.

   Today, I saw an old man struggling with three bags, so I offered to carry them for him. He must not have heard me because when I bent down to take the bags, he thought I was stealing them and punched me in the face. FML

   My Life: Wake up, Survive, Sleep.

   My girlfriend is walking out on me because of my obsession with Call of Duty. It's ok, she won't get far. I set up a claymore by the door.

   I hope they gave this year's Nobel Prize to the dude who invented Yoga Pants.

   7 things I look for in a girl: Beautiful, Intelligent, Gentle, Thoughtful, Innocent, Trustworthy, Sensible.

   They need to make a breathalyzer app for my phone... After 10pm, I'm usually above the legal limit to text message.

   Amigo, the only thing in this world that gives orders is balls. Balls. You got that? - Tony Montana

   There are two varieties of hoe. One is a gardening tool. The other is a hardening tool.