Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   I participate in optional celibacy. Roughly translated: If I'm not interested in having sex with you, I claim to be celibate.

   Panties are just overpriced wrapping paper.

   This world will be a much better place when people take care of themselves just for themselves, and not for what other people think of them.

   Everyone without a tattoo should receive a prize for being unique.

   It is so hot, and I have typed so much, I am having to dunk my fingers in gatorade to keep them from cramping!

   This photo booth is always out of toilet paper.

   you showed up in my toxicology report

   Your girlfriend is much prettier with her hair down. And by 'down' I mean 'over her face'.

   My "happy place" has nothing to do with geography and everything to do with anatomy.

   Some people don't have the ability to laugh at themselves... and that's where I come in!

   Oh, you're a model? What's your agency? Bathroom Mirrors & Associates?

   Am I the only one who can't remember anyone's birthday without facebook?

   From a distance you look like someone I'd like.

   My favorite people on Facebook are my friends and people that have no idea that I exist.

   You'd think with being this beautiful everyone could ignore the crazy..

   To block the annoying person's status updates, or keep them around because their horrible personal life is entertaining?!?!

   I can tell by your weight you have a really great personality.

   There are two types of women. Those who become angry for NOTHING and those who get angry for EVERYTHING.

   Last month was one of the wettest 'JUNES' in recorded history. I think that was down to all the 50 Shades of Grey books that were sold !!!

   Marriage... a relationship between a person who's always right and her husband.