Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   I'm reading a book about anti-gravity. I just can't put it down!!!

   Sorry I'm not Adele. I don't wish the best for you nor do I want to find someone like you. I do however want to set fire to all your stuff!!

   Why does this theatre smell like a tuna boat?

   Few things are more annoying than someone setting a good example.

   Always insult accurately. Calling one a douchebag implies the ability to get near a v@gina.

   Adele announced she is pregnant. If she has the baby in the next few days, you guys are going to feel terrible for calling her fat.

   One women's "oh hell no that's gross" is another women's "oh please do that again".

   Let's keep in touch but only by our genitals.

   He called my girlfriend a wh0re. So I called him an ambulance.

   I'm not the man you'd hoped for or even the man you wanted me to be. Perhaps you should have just once seen in me, the man I am.

   To best understand men, you need to grasp the following: 1. They think with their pen!s 2. They wanna fix everything 3. They wanna fix everything with their pen!s

   You remind me of someone I'd never like to meet.

   If Magic Mike isn't a movie about Magic Johnson and Mike Tyson having 'tickle fights' I'm going to be pissed.

   I'm so glad the “you break it, you buy it” policy doesn't apply to hymens.

   Magic Mike is going to get more guys laid tonight than roofies.

   What doesn't kill you makes you realize I hired a sh!tty hit man.

   Maybe I'm just a hopeless romantic but I kinda always thought Tom and Katie would eventually fall in love.

   Whoever first thought it was a good idea to work for a living was a dumb douchebag.

   Tom Cruise can climb down off Oprah's lounge now and crawl back into his closet.

   "Im never gonna danthh again/ Cauth guilty feet have got no rhythm/ Though ithh eathhy to pretend I know you're not a fool" -Careless Lisper