Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   I try my best to be a thoughtful husband. So, I surprised my wife with a new bag and belt for her birthday! The Hoover sure works great now.

   Currently at a pumpkin farm that has 800 activities for kids & zero alcohol for parents. What level of hell is this?

   Eggs Benedict should always be served in a hubcap. There's no plate like chrome for the hollandaise.

   Times are tough so once again I will be selling nude photos of myself. $5 to get one. $25 to get none...

   Got a rash on my face in the shape of a roadrunner. I think I might have acme.

   I blame Johnny Bravo for my body image issues

   The MSM claims national polls have Biden ahead by 14 points. By "national", they mean New York City, Chicago, Philadelphia, Los Angeles and cemeteries.

   My girlfriend told me I snored like a gorilla last night. I told her it’s because I suffer from sleep ape•nea.

   Man claims his body only fights viruses on Saturdays and Sundays. His doctors say he has a weekend immune system.

   BROWNS BEAT the cowgirls.. we are back

   THIS IS A TEST OF THE EMERGENCY ALERT SYSTEM I’m out of beer.

   Haunted houses are great but have you ever had a deer clear your hood at 55 mph?

   The next person to take my status seriously is getting $500

   If you replace “umbrella” with “Nutella” in Rihanna’s song, the song still works, if not more so.

   ME: Imagine if your toenails screamed when you cut them. WIFE: Ok get off me. I’m not in the mood anymore.

   mechanic: it looks like something was repeatedly shoved in and out of the tailpipe? optimus prime: haha, I wouldn’t—I don’t know anything about that

   The worst thing about the boom in restaurant deliveries is the normalizing of eating lukewarm food.

   Me: I like that we wear our masks in bed. Jennifer Aniston: How do you keep getting in here? Brad Pitt: Let him stay.

   Sneaking into my neighbour’s home just to raid the kitchen and then accidently setting the house on fire is how I will end up in prison.

   I sometimes wonder when I turn on the news if I'm watching breaking news about the Coronavirus or if they've playing the same broadcast on repeat since March?