Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   i am woman, hear me giving you the silent treatment.

   If it ain't broke, borrow money from it.

   Yes, that's correct!.....And the Horse you rode in on!!

   If you don't discipline your child, life will.

   My Girlfriend wanted a cat. I didn't want a cat. So we compromised and we got a cat...

   I hate when her husband comes home early. She says I'm the pool boy. And I spend the next few hours cleaning the pool. This is BULLSH!T!

   Drunk love is better than crazy love.

   I wish they made barstools with seat belts and dual side airbags.

   I sure hope women don't roll their eyes in real life as much as they do here on facebook.

   I don't think I've ever seen a Mexican midget. I bet they're all just having a hard time making it over the fence

   Has anyone found a better cure for loneliness than vodka? Yeah, didn't think so.

   A girl just showed her boobs to a bouncer to get a keychain. I took it from her b/c she was sloppy drunk. Is this what pimping feels like?

   Dumb girls....... Quit trying to look like us in photos, it's embarrassing to our species. Sincerely, Ducks.

   Put your money where your mouth is and suffocate yourself with your money.

   If I had one wish, I wish my pen!s could cure cancer, if taken orally.

   Disappointed with the lack of boobs on Twitter, I'm going back to Facebook.

   If Kim Kardashian was the answer...... the question must have been reeeeeally stupid.

   Happy National hear fireworks all day and night set off by Drunk People you wouldn't trust with a Glo-Stick Day!!!

   It took 100 years for Congress to make the 4th of July an official holiday. (The same amount of time it takes them to do anything now!)

   An "ex" is like jail, if you keep going back then it shows you still haven't learnt a lesson.