Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   When I was a younger man girls used to "check me out". Now women just "keep an eye on me"

   Conversations are the window to the brain.

   Never judge a book by it's cover. The old, wrinkly ones are often the best.

   Skills can be taught. Character you either have or you don't have.

   Having alcohol by yourself at home is considered a problem, but social drinking is acceptable. So whenever I open a mason jar of moonshine, I always log on to Facebook.

   There are so many scams on the Internet now... Send me $19.95 and I will tell you how to avoid them.

   Barack Obama's in training for a second term of office. He says if he's elected President he will also consider hunting vampires.

   "That's the power of German engineering" is a great slogan for your product if you're selling fear

   My favorite kinds of lists,,,,, # 1: short lists

   I made some urgent upgrades to your computer. Did you know it had NO maple syrup in it before? Guess how much maple syrup it has now?... LOTS.

   Bees.. Bees.. the musical fruit, the more you eat,,,,, the more you get stung in your mouth and throat by bees

   Never buy a used phone. I mean idk about you but I usually take my phone with me when I'm taking a sh!t

   Got some Flip Flops at the dollar store, actually they're Flop Flips and they only make the slappie sound if you're backing up...but hey...$1. Yay!!!

   I helped my neighbor move a super heavy couch last night and he didn't even thank me. That's ok, his wife thanked me on it today. Twice.

   A woman is a fantastic substitute for masturbation.

   I dont wanna masturbate tonight so please, nobody mentions Betty White to me.

   There are so many things in life I still need to lick.

   I have a feeling his life would have gone in a different direction had his name been Kanye East.

   Give a man a fish and he can eat for a day. Give a women a Facebook account and she can complain about self inflicted drama and fill up your newsfeed.

   This one time my date was really ugly but I was horny so I roofied both our drinks :/