Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   My Neighbor mows his lawn every Sunday morning at 7:00am sharp! So tonight I'm listing his mower for sale on Craigslist at 11:00pm for only $5.00. That should keep his phone ringing most of the night!..........(sleeping in tomorrow!)

   Life is the 60 years between the only times when bingo and board games are an acceptable way of spending your days.

   Got a Straw! ...Because you ''Suck!''

   Pretty sure Satan is the mastermind behind the "can we talk" demon that women get possessed by.

   I have an army of decapitated gummy bears on my desk. When someone asks me a stupid question, I bite the head off another & stare at them.

   Follow I'm so desperate for money I'm melting my Goldfish down for cash

   I'm too happy to want to read a woman's mind.

   The closest I am to having any "Swag" is the Old Spice Swagger deodorant, sitting in my bathroom cabinet.

   I stared at the moon for an hour before I realized it was a toenail clipping that had stuck to the window.

   It's always "Too hard. Too soft. Too short. Too thick." I'm never inviting Goldilocks to another orgy

   I once dated a girl who looked exactly like her dog. Hey St. Bernards are cute, shut up!

   It's funny to watch you girls on Facebook whine and cry about your drama in one status and then the next....10 mins later "Pedi's, mani's now and drinks with my besties later, life is great"!!

   When I meet girls at the bar, I always tell them I'm Monogamous. John Monogamous, the Greek God of wild sex.

   Don't expect a bless you on the 5th sneeze, get that sh*t under conrtol

   What do you call a girl who expects a guy to do everything for her, make all the first moves, and text her first every day? SINGLE.

   It's Friday! Time to mute your conscience and party!

   It's impossible to ruin our friendship with sex. It was ruined the moment you called it a friendship.

   Hey Facebook, I really don't care that somebody commented on a post that I commented on seven days ago.

   Just had a Sausage Sundae from McDonalds..apparently its their answer to Burger Kings Bacon Sundae...McBarf...

   just entered my kid in a soapbox derby...how in the world is he supposed to fit in this empty zest box?