Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   when people ask....I tell them I been sober for 21 years.

   I know the corn on the cob is going to be good when it squirts me in the face while I peel it... I SO feel like a female porn star.

   I had a bad day...but at least no one took my pants off and ate my face.

   I just saw a beautiful girl in a bikini eating fruit. What a pear!!

   I am sure during sex, Kanye West and Kim Kardashian call out their own names.

   Kanye West and Kim Kardashian dating each other saves two other people in the world from misery!

   Thanks ABC News, if it wasn't for your extensive news coverage, I wouldn't have known that it gets hot outside in the middle of July. 

   I need a new recliner but I don't feel like shopping. Lazy boy...

   If I were a ghost, I would dress like a Sea Captain just to play into the stereotype.

   Suicide is only illegal because dead people can't pay taxes.

   Mike's Hard Lemonade is basically Kool-Aid with a squirt of Purell in it.

   Match.com now has live events called Match.live. Should've called them what they really are: Sausagefests!!

   I'm really attracted to how unavailable you are.

   I can't fall asleep right now, I'm too busy counting how many hours of sleep I will get if I fall asleep right now.

   Last night I slept next to a plate full of Dominos pizza crumbs if any of you are wondering where I am in my life's journey.

   I've done absolutely nothing today. Glad I still got it in me.

   Well, I'm bored again. Time to open the fridge.

   Respect old people: they graduated highschool without google or wikipedia.

   I like hitting stuff to make it work. Makes me feel like the Fonz.

   I took my Cat and her six kittens to the Vet to get them spayed and neutered! The Vet asked ''Is the momma cat friendly?'' I said ''Well....Duh, How do you think we got in this mess in the first place!!!''