Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   You guys are like my stuffed animals that I would line up on my bed and have conversations with when I was little.

   sitting close to a kid with ADHD. It's like ADD but the symptoms are more vivid.

   shopping list....plastic bags 4 bucks, gloves 15 , knife 20 , rope 5, duct tape 6 , black mask 6....the expression on the face of the counter guy...priceless...

   It`s going to be sad when the wife finishes the 50 shades trilogy ...Not cause of all the sex and stuff , but because then I won`t be able to watch sport in peace .......

   I've been waiting for this moment ever since I got up... goodnight!

   Thanks FB, for reminding people I haven't seen in 15 years that it's my birthday. Now my day is complete!!

   I can't wait for the MLB all star game!! Said, no one ever...

   Lock a vegetarian in a room full of Jack-O-Lanterns and then give them some bath salts.

   Keep your friends close, and your enemies in a freezer.

   I'm probably not the first person to notice, but the plots of "Finding Nemo" and "Taken" are virtually identical.

   If laughter is the best medicine, I'm practicing without a license...

   If I want to nap for just an hour, I have a big glass of water beforehand. Alarms can be turned off, but a full bladder waits for no one.

   Your Ex ALWAYS seems to pop back up as soon as you forget about them.

   I hate it when my boss calls my name and I automatically think "What the hell did I do now?"

   Send message without subject? Yes, Gmail. f$ck off.

   Dear Whoever decided when breakfast is over at McDonalds..... F$CK YOU!

   Everybody secretly hates that couple who plans their wedding on holiday weekends.

   Longest minute of life: waiting for food to come out of the microwave...

   Just saw a guy in a Dominos uniform driving a UPS truck. This is either grand theft auto or the most epic pizza trade ever.

   do movie stars get depressed if they see their movies in the $5.00 dvd bin?