Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   That scary feeling when you realize your kid is bigger than you

   Kill your haters with kindness. Gift wrap explosives.

   I always thought GTFO meant Great, Terrific, Fantastic, & Outstanding... so, I guess all those people weren't paying me compliments after all!

   Huggies now offers a diaper called "Little Swimmers;" which I believe are what actually cause the babies in the 1st place.

   Filled out the "Are You Depressed?" questionnaire and it turns out I just have mild diabetes and the desire to shoot people in the face.

   Every time I see a bottle labeled "personal lubricant" I shudder to think of the public kind.

   I cooked a live Lobster in the microwave and now I have a giant mutant lobster in my living room demanding to watch The Little Mermaid.

   I relate to your inability to relate to people. Let's talk about hanging out but never follow through.

   dancing and singing with headphones......apparently frowned upon in court.

   just got dumped by a pity-sex partner.....she looked like joe dirt....I think I just hit rock bottom.

   Dr. Phil and Oprah..two of the most over-rated influences on America EVER!!!!!

   my mom used to say, "dont give me any of your guff"...looked it up..40 yrs ltr..says trivial, worthless talk or ideas...heeeyyy, thats demeaning

   secretly happy the heatwave killed my lawn..does that make me a no-mow

   Aww Crap, Monday found me again.

   There are two rules for success... 1. Never reveal everything you know

   Imagine a life without facebook where you would actually have to watch the news again...

   i wish 2pac was alive so lil wayne could work at mcdonalds

   well... it's about that time to give my pillow some head

   My girlfriend said she wanted me to be more like her Ex, so I dumped her.

   Sad reality:Your stingy boy friend is another girl's ATM