Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   I am not into running, but if they ever hold a 50 foot run where they serve beer at the end, I am in.

   Sometimes, when I'm confused, scared and lonely in the hood, I ask myself what would Jay Z do…

   Why isn't “cheating” a relationship status on Facebook?

   The 3 scariest words your girlfriend can ever say to you... "notice anything different?"

   McDonald's should have an express drive thru lane just for people who need french fries.

   Just took the batteries out of my smoke detector to use in my TV remote control. Dont judge me.

   Renewing your wedding vows is like agreeing on a double life sentence to prison.

   Their is nothing worse that realizing the vacation you planned is going to be the same week as her period.

   It's 2012 and bread still has a crust. Flying cars my ass.

   Whenever somebody calls me ugly, I get super sad and hug them because I know how hard life is for the visually impaired.

   You would have no idea that I have a College Degree based on how many times I push when it says “pull”.

   Sometimes I Blue-Ball myself to start my day. That way I'll be just as angry as the rest of humanity and fit right in.

   it just me or does the site of Nancy Grace pontificating on TV make me want to inject my eyeballs with lye....

   I turn the music louder so I won't hear my thoughts, but it's stupid because the lyrics remind me of what I'm trying to forget. 

   Re: Back to the Future. Who is this Scott, and why is he "great?"

   Pat Riley is so good, he could convince Kobe to pass the ball .

   And God promised men that good and obedient wives would be found in all corners of the world. Then He made the world round .........

   Ever have that moment when you try to flick a booger and it teleports on to your other finger?

   you don't need to thank everyone on facebook for your birthday messages, they were not sincere.

   Edward Scissorhands was beaten mercilessly by the school bully, Edward Rockhands