Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Dear Lionel Richie, what do woman have to do three times to make them a lady? Asking for slut.

   Rednecks have extremely generous Toothfairies, the way they keep giving up their teeth 4 in a row:)

   Women should support other women, not cut them down. Unless she really is a b!tch, then carry on ladies.

   OMG, Kourtney Kardashian had a baby!? I didn't even know she was worth talking about!

   Do you know how many people were gored in Spain during the running of the bulls? Same as last year: Not enough

   Wish my wife loved me like my cat does but she refuses to come in while I'm sh!tting and lick my leg.

   would like to go see Magic Mike, but only to explore the narrative, artistic, cultural, economic, and political implications of the film.

   I can always tell if they use fake dinosaurs in films.

   You know she is a groupie when she has hundreds of George Clooney pictures in her photo albums and only one of her boyfriend.

   My Ultra sensitive toothpaste hates it when I use other toothpastes

   Her cup size will determine how long the hug will last!

   Its so hot squirrels are pouring Gatorade on their nuts

   Once I participated in a "Nice Guy" 5K Run..... We all finished last.

   The imaginary enemy of my enemy is my imaginary friend.

   I can get a women very excited just by using my mouth. I say stuff like "shopping..new shoes babies.!!

   When my grandkid loses his 1st tooth, I'm putting $1 under his pillow and a note that says "I'll be back with a hammer for the rest. -Tooth Fairy"

   Ironically,,, I HATE it, when people say "like us" on Facebook.

   A wife tattooed "I LOVE U" on her nipples and showed it to her husband. He replied: "This is ur old habit of Putting Words Into My Mouth! "

   Not entirely sure what a "propriate" is, but apparently I'm in it.

   Michael Jackson didn't die. He simply completed his course of plastic surgery in 2009, turned into a young gay white boy & renamed himself Justin Bieber...