Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   It's so easy to criticize. Seriously, it's awesome how easy it is.

   If you don't remember pushing "6" three times to get the letter "O", you're too young for me to text with.

   I rather have an enemy who admits they hate me, instead of a friend who secretly put me down.

   I don't always think I'm right....but whenever I think I'm wrong I tend to be mistaken.

   The way Obama keeps blaming everything on George W. Bush... I really don't think Bush has a chance of winning the election!

   I wonder how each of you guys look?

   Only trust people who like big butts... they cannot lie.

   What do you call it when 2 guys fight over a slut? Tug-of-whor

   Pintervention: When an intervention is needed to drag your sig. other or friend off of Pintrest.

   Summer where all the days run into each other and every day is a saturday night!

   If you told me 100% of serial killers were "morning people" I'd believe you.

   They're relea$ing two $eparate film$ ba$ed on the 3rd book in the'Hunger Game$' trilogy. I'm $hocked. Totally $urpri$ing.

   Birth control pills should really be made for men. It makes more sense to unload a gun than to shoot a bulletproof vest.

   Sometimes I zone out and forget what I'm supposed to be doing, and then I remember and take a drink of my beer.

   Its almost Barf day. That day you get one more year older want want to barf but can't so you induce yourself with booz until you do.

   Saw a lady with back boobs at the beach. People with back boobs should wear backini's.

   Crap....all this time I thought I was listening to the Angel on my shoulder. Turns out the Devil on the other shoulder is just a hell of a ventriloquist.

   What is wrong with me!!!?........asking for a friend.....

   Direct TV can't afford their bill with Viacom..... Guess they shouldn't have spent all their money making that miniature Giraffe for the commercials.

   Anyone know where I could find a bunch of "Glad You Aren't Here" postcards to send out when I go on my vacation in a few weeks? I'll need about 50 of them.