Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   A fun thing to do in the checkout line is to take one thing from the cart in front of you and see if they notice. Last week I took a baby.

   I want to spread you open and lick you over and over. Wife - Are you talking to your Oreos again?!

   I'd never date a woman that's more muscular than I am. Unless she forced me to. I mean what could I do?

   I'm not saying she's a sl*t but whenever she eats a banana in public, she puts one hand behind her head.

   Hey I found your nose! It was in everyone elses business again!!!

   Just going through my old FB statuses & deleting the ones no one liked so I don't look lame.

   "Another day, Another dollar" -Some loser who only makes $365 a year

   I'm so hilarious I even smell funny.

   How you can tell if a person is Irish: a fly lands in their pint of beer. They grab the fly and start shaking it over their beer yelling "Spit it out ya bastard, spit it out!"

   Best Buy just announced plans to lay off 600 Geek Squad employees. In response, Geek Squad employees were like, “Phew, good thing I already live with my parents.”

   There isn't enough make-up in the world to cover-up crazy!!!

   I'm 38 and I have no clue what AM or PM stands for. Nice job, public school system!

   It's so easy to criticize. Seriously, it's awesome how easy it is.

   If you don't remember pushing "6" three times to get the letter "O", you're too young for me to text with.

   I rather have an enemy who admits they hate me, instead of a friend who secretly put me down.

   I don't always think I'm right....but whenever I think I'm wrong I tend to be mistaken.

   The way Obama keeps blaming everything on George W. Bush... I really don't think Bush has a chance of winning the election!

   I wonder how each of you guys look?

   Only trust people who like big butts... they cannot lie.

   What do you call it when 2 guys fight over a slut? Tug-of-whor