Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Whenever somebody calls me ugly, I get super sad and hug them because I know how hard life is for the visually impaired.

   You would have no idea that I have a College Degree based on how many times I push when it says “pull”.

   Sometimes I Blue-Ball myself to start my day. That way I'll be just as angry as the rest of humanity and fit right in.

   it just me or does the site of Nancy Grace pontificating on TV make me want to inject my eyeballs with lye....

   I turn the music louder so I won't hear my thoughts, but it's stupid because the lyrics remind me of what I'm trying to forget. 

   Re: Back to the Future. Who is this Scott, and why is he "great?"

   Pat Riley is so good, he could convince Kobe to pass the ball .

   And God promised men that good and obedient wives would be found in all corners of the world. Then He made the world round .........

   Ever have that moment when you try to flick a booger and it teleports on to your other finger?

   you don't need to thank everyone on facebook for your birthday messages, they were not sincere.

   Edward Scissorhands was beaten mercilessly by the school bully, Edward Rockhands

   My wife looked different today then it dawned on me. Her mouth was closed...

   Ladies; If you can't cheer him up with a bl0w job, theres nothing thats gonna cheer him up

   Tell me to calm down one more time. I dare you!I double dare you!

   If my dog could open beer bottles I'd probably dump my girlfriend

   My Indian stripper name is Dances With Daddy Issues.

   I'm gonna stand outside a strangers house tonight with a lit candle & tell them it's in remembrance of all the people I killed there.

   I don't know what's wrong with me and it's too expensive to find out.

   Word on the street: Johnny Depp is single. The other word on the street: You don't stand a chance.

   The older I get, the farther apart I spread my feet when I use a urinal. Soon, I will be doing a Jean-Claude Van Damme split when I piss.