Funny Status Messages and Tweets
Funny Status Messages for Facebook, Discord, and Whatsapp and funny tweets for Twitter.
Page: 342 of 6383
I want Pizza not your opinion
“That’ll be 14 thousand dollars please” -Veterinarians
←Rate |
10-12-2020 16:03
Comments (0)
A tub of margarine fell on my foot 3 weeks ago and it still hurts. I can’t believe it’s not better.
←Rate |
10-12-2020 14:22
Comments (0)
I really just spent $40 on a costume for my dog so I can win a work pet costume contest for a $10 coffee gift card. Do I regret it? Nope. Karen from accounting and her cat are going down
←Rate |
10-12-2020 10:45
Comments (0)
Columbus Day is one thing, but I'm still upset about my personal holiday. No, not my Birthday. I'm talking about Fat Tuesday. 😛
←Rate |
10-12-2020 09:08 by Fazzy
Comments (0)
A smoothie is not worth $14, but the cleanup of a blender is.
←Rate |
10-12-2020 09:00
Comments (0)
The guy who pumped our septic tank said everything was good & I felt the same accidental pride that I feel when the dental hygienist says my teeth are ok.
←Rate |
10-12-2020 08:56
Comments (0)
Old enough to remember when infectious laughter had a positive connotation
←Rate |
10-12-2020 08:55
Comments (0)
I gently knocked a beetle off my lampshade to catch and release, it landed in my water which I poured into the sink to save it from drowning, and it ended up going down the drain. This is 2020.
←Rate |
10-12-2020 08:55
Comments (0)
Found out that my girl puts peas in her Mac n Cheese… Our whole relationship is a lie… Why couldn’t she just sleep with someone else like a normal person?
←Rate |
10-12-2020 08:22
Comments (0)
Every Halloween I turn on Unchained Melody, and sit in front of a pottery wheel in the hopes that Patrick Swayze will return.
←Rate |
10-12-2020 08:22
Comments (0)
People are starting to relax about coronavirus. I coughed at the grocery store and only one person tased me.
←Rate |
10-12-2020 08:21
Comments (0)
YouTube suggestion: [Inspirational video] I wake up at 3 am Me [at midnight]: no thank you! I don’t want that kind of negativity
←Rate |
10-12-2020 08:21
Comments (0)
Just tried to show my daughter how to jump rope and now I have scrambled eggs where my brain used to be and my left ankle no longer moves. Don’t get old, kids.
←Rate |
10-12-2020 08:16
Comments (0)
[at the auto parts store] Me: I need windshield wipers for my Chrysler Counter Guy: What size engine
←Rate |
10-12-2020 08:15
Comments (0)
I love Bruce Lee because he studied art and poetry and decided the most beautiful form of self expression is punching someone in the face
←Rate |
10-12-2020 08:15
Comments (0)
I would like to nominate my husband for Father of the Year for having the innovation to rename Tomato Soup to Ketchup Soup, thereby getting our kids to actually eat it.
←Rate |
10-12-2020 08:14
Comments (0)
Me: (In the shower) Guy from Facebook: (hands me the loofah) You registered to vote?
←Rate |
10-12-2020 08:11
Comments (0)
So I've been on a new diet I really seem to be working for me that's called "The cost of food"
←Rate |
10-11-2020 09:02
Comments (0)
In this world, there are beings who consider you their universe. Okay, they're dust mites and they live on your eyebrows, but so?
←Rate |
10-10-2020 23:07 by Fazzy
Comments (0)