Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   I organized a threesome last night....there were a couple of no shows, but I still had a good time.

   My 9-year-old said I looked tired today and apparently becoming my mother has skipped a generation.

   According to the amount of bacon I just put in the air fryer, I’m a family of 8.

   All I’m saying is what kind of father would encourage a wayward son to carry on?

   This pandemic has gone on for so long, I can’t even remember the last time I touched a doorknob or any kind of knob for that matter.

   I’m watching Peppa Pig right now and I’m wondering what Papa Pig’s side hustle is that he can afford to take his whole family the Paris on a cement inspector’s salary.

   Just put the vaccine inside donuts, ok.

   Direct deposit: $1400 Me at Dollar Tree: I’ll take 1400 trees

   Me at McDonald’s with my $1400 stimulus check: sir the ice cream machine is broken.. Me: how much does it cost to fix it.

   Hiding people's status' on your news feed is the best way of sayin' fck you're annoying but, I don't wanna delete you cuz' you'll notice.

   I got a letter in the mail saying I was pre-approved for a Walmart Credit Card. Not sure if I should be honored or ashamed

   Everyone's up in arms over Pepe LePew romancing a cat. Newsflash: Most men are skunks and we romance pu$$y. Same difference. And I can promise you that trait isn't learned from a cartoon.

   Sex after 60 is like playing pool with a rope

   I quit my job at the helium gas factory, I refuse to be spoken to in that tone

   The subject of entomology really bugs me.

   $1400.00 per child? Hold up Maury, I just might be the father after all.

   Instead of phasing out fossil fuels, let's phase out the fossils in Congress.

   OK. Who is the genius who decided to call them Dentures and not Substitooths?

   Daylight Saving Time. Where we lose an hour of eating.

   I quit my job as a treadmill tester. I just felt like I wasn’t going anywhere.