Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   All you obese vegetarians ain't much of an advertisement for the cause, are ya?

   You lost me at 'sober friends only', you unrealistic douche.

   EX means: Thanks for the EXperience, Our time has EXpired, now EXit my life..

   Chris Brown jokes are all the same... they all have the same punchline.

   Well it sounds like my girlfriend is upstairs reading "50 Shades of Grey" or she's been building up to sneeze for the last 10 minutes.

   I found the pot at the end of the rainbow....I smoked it.

   16 and Pregnant completely wrecked the term " MILF" for us Cougars!

   My life may be a mess, but I know where everything is.

   A Woman's Football League would only be interesting to me if its raining and the uniform are white.

   You ever notice when your phone decides to call someone its someone you don't want to talk to.!

   since when did"nom,nom"equate to I ate it and it was very nice ?

   Sundays always bring out my inner senior citizen....

   Dear Customer Service: When are all of your representatives NOT assisting other callers?

   nothing kills a beautiful girls smile like that one crazy tooth...

   how do you confuse an archaeologist? give him a used tampon and ask him what period it came from.

   By massage you meant sex, right?

   John travolta was Quoted today saying I hope people look back at my life someday and say at least he had many Happy Endings.

   You know what I think is cute? When my wife drives my girlfriend home without even suspecting a thing.

   The problem with marriage is that it was invented when people only lived to the ripe old age of 30.

   Why do huge people by tiny cars? They look like they couldn't find clothes to fit, so they're wearing a car.