Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   If your status update contains the words, “I know 99% of you won't repost this,” there is a 99% chance you're an idiot.

   Top ten things men understand about women. 1. 2. 3. 4. 5. 6. 7. 8. 9. 10.

   I'm on Twitter because my family is on Facebook.

   Beers should come with a "May reverse bros before hoes" warning.

   My I.Q. goes from 125 to about 14 when there's a hot girl around.

   Describing yourself as a "morning person" translates to me that you are a fu$king as$hole.

   It's amazing how alcohol can make you do so many stupid things on your smart phone.

   Why does your need to pee intensify by a million when you are trying to unlock the door to your house?

   BREAKING: Penn State to keep Paterno statue, but plan to move it into the showers....Or something like that?

   Most important thing I learned today: My Talk to kids/Nice voice sounds INCREDIBLY HOMOSEXUAL

   Look here Dora....If you ever want to see your monkey friend again you are gonna stick these condoms full of heroin in your ass and get them through customs....

   It picks the movie out quickly from the Redbox or it gets the hose again....you stupid b!tch....

   Reverse Psychology: If I were you, I wouldn't even bother trying, because you'll probably f*ck it up.

   Every time I get a birthday card with money in it, I pretend not to notice the money and “read” the card.

   Sky sports would like to apologise to all subscribers for wrongly advertising they could watch Rangers in 3D…… What they meant to say was you could watch Rangers in D3. :)

   Warning – Dates in calendars are much closer than they appear.

   The main difference between fiction and reality, is that fiction has to make sense.

   Am I the only one who thinks McDonald's should only get their beef from Macau?

   Wit is far more often a shield than a lance

   Always be nice to the kid who owns the baseball