Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Sleep is a symptom of caffeine deprivation

   Bed (n) – a workbench for lovers

   I just violated myself in the shower. I didn't want to but rules are rules and I did drop the soap after all.

   My STD test is: if she has a cell phone that costs less than $200 I use a condom.

   A reverse cowgirl is an Indian right?

   People who say "don't touch me" always get touched.

   I have an inferiority complex....but it's not a very good one !

   wondering if anyone's ever gotten someone to do heroin by doing "heeeere comes the airplane!" with the spoon

   Don't you just hate it when your friends ask you to flex, then your bicep smashes them in the face knocking them unconscious?

   it's the people who make a party awesome, not the drinks,bro

   You have to be nuts to be between a guy's legs 24/7.

   Tom and Jerry: The original "1000 Ways to Die."

   always know where the remote is all it takes is one sad animal commercial to kill the mood

   Sticking ANY kind of bumper sticker on your car is a great way to let people know you're a moron.

   Respect is earned, Honesty is appreciated, Love is gained and Loyalty is returned.

   Screw love? No, screw the person who made you think that way.

   Wait, don't eat yet! Let me take a picture of it at an artsy angle, add Instagram effects, and upload it to Facebook!

   When you find it hard to keep a girl, find a girl that keeps it hard.

   Hey people who like to start conversations with complete strangers, knock that s$it off.

   ''See that guy over there carrying my golf bag? That's the one job i've created!!!''----President Obama