Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   My 3yr old doesn't like onions on his donut! Onions= shredded coconut!

   I did NOT pee my pants! I was marking my territory. These pants are MINE!

   The latest survey shows that three out of four people make up 75% of the population.

   Ham and Eggs:: A day's work for a chicken; A lifetime commitment for a pig.

   People who believe in God shouldn't be allowed to complain about the weather.

   WANTED: A meaningful overnight relationship.

   for my next magic trick i'll need a condom and a volunteer,.

   if your feet smell and your nose runs, you're built upside down.

   Thankyou for calling Comcast America's #1 Cable Co. My name is Habib Akmed Musaffa Akmed Habib, How may I mis-understand you today?!!!

   Ladies, please don't forget, safe sex is your responsibility

   As my car slowly filled with water, the last thing I would hear was the calm measured voice of my GPS, "Recalculating route."

   The Devil gave me my soul back, something about "Tasting like Vodka" Whatever dude

   Dear paranoid ppl who check behind their shower curtains for murderers, if you do find one, what's your plan?

   There are almost 7 billion people in the world, and you are the dumbest one. That is impressive.

   Life is ironic. We spend so much money on expensive clothes, but the best moments in life are spent without clothes..

   How I took scantron tests in highshool: " well... I Havnt chose 'C' in a while."

   Dear ex, remember those I love you more fights?? I won..

   The villian in the new batman movie is named ''Bain''........I know that Obama has something to do with this!!!

   Rest areas are weird. The guy in the stall next to me has four feet.

   Bikinis should have an age limit and a weight limit.