Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   I like my women like I like my coffee. A little bit gross and I wouldn't recommend them to my friend for fear of judgement.

   Listen, gorgeous... I love you so much I would suck out the venom if a poisonous snake bit you on the ass. But, I'm sorry, I won't swallow.

   Things you need to know about me: 1- I'm lazy 2- hmm, one is enough

   My boss isn't paying me enough to have to work this hard at wasting time.

   I don't want to brag, but lately I've been getting A LOT of attention from a Nigerian prince!

   the last two status belongs to a Dominican Beauty Amelia :)

   The easiest way to confuse a woman is to give her a choice.

   Can officially confirm that the way to a man's heart these days is not through beauty, food, sex, or alluringness of character, but merely the ability to seem not very interested in him.

   You know what I like most about people? Pets.


   I only go to strip clubs to beg the strippers to release and feed the goldfish in their heels.

   No party would be complete without that creepy guy sitting in the corner.

   All a woman wants is a strong, confident, capable man who will wear whichever shirt she tells him to.

   A spider crawled across my leg while I was driving and of course he survived the crash.

   A person who really appreciates you will always walk with you

   ''If all Men are created equal, where's the rest of your Pen!s?!!!

   They say a woman's work is never done. Maybe that's why they get paid less.

   The global gender ratio is 60:40. So there are millions of women who cant find a man. Remember that next time we ask you to make a sandwich.

   I think interrogations of mass murderers, serial killers and terrorists should be broadcasted live on tv.

   There are countless ways of attaining greatness, but any road to reaching one's maximum potential must be built on a bedrock of respect for the individual, a commitment to excellence, and a rejection of mediocrity."

   Looks like Jerry Sandusky is still screwing kids(players) at Penn State even after he's gone!