Funny Status Messages
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So I just saw a church sign that said "Why pay for GPS, Jesus gives guidance for free." Do you think Best Buy would match that? 
Facebook asks what I'm thinking. Twitter asks what I'm doing. Foursquare asks where I am. The internet has turned into a crazy girlfriend.
Relax........Let's get back to the important things in life! Like stealing eachothers status!
My buddy ordered some Olympic condoms online - he told his wife he wanted to wear a gold one, but his wife said "wear the silver one and come second for a change.
Karma takes too long. I'd rather beat the sh*t out you now.
I hope you step on a lego!
They say, "You are what you eat" That's funny. I don't remember eating a sexy beast this morning.
I'm sorry I hurt your felling when I called you stupid. I really thought you already knew.
These pills will make you stop being a crazy B*tch...You should take one.
We stick together like the pages in a porn magazine.
Dear Men, Life without Women, would literally be a pain in the as*.
Just got a tattoo of my wife so when she pisses me off I can stab myself in the arm and watch that b%tch bleed.
Grammer: The difference between knowing your sh*t and Knowing You're sh*t.
B*tch please, I can remove 99% of your so called "Beauty" with a kleenex.
A Blonde was asked what her password was and she said ''MickeyMinniePlutoHueyLouieDeweyDonaldGoofySacramento''....When asked why such a long password she replied ''Well Hello! It has 8 characters and at least one Capital!!''
What's the difference between a joke and three c**ks? The girl we met last night couldn't take a joke.
Mitt Romney's cat walked into a bar. Well, no it didn't. Yes it did. No it didn't. Yes it did.
My c**k was actually in the Guinness Book of World Records once. But it really pissed off the librarian and she kicked me out.
Some people's idea of living dangerously is watching p0rn with the volume on.
Girls that call guys "dude" are usually lesbians. 