Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   All I know is that Facebook causes a pile of laundry.

   I don't have any beef with vegetarians.

   What the hell is this REstraining Order?!? I never even got a Straining Order? I'm gonna go over to her house and sort this out.

   I do an awesome job of playing hard to want.

   It's not stalking if I shift my binoculars from your bedroom windows to the birds that are on your roof every 4 hours. That's bird watching

   Your signature looks like you smoke pot a lot.

   Sleep is a symptom of caffeine deprivation

   Bed (n) – a workbench for lovers

   I just violated myself in the shower. I didn't want to but rules are rules and I did drop the soap after all.

   My STD test is: if she has a cell phone that costs less than $200 I use a condom.

   A reverse cowgirl is an Indian right?

   People who say "don't touch me" always get touched.

   I have an inferiority complex....but it's not a very good one !

   wondering if anyone's ever gotten someone to do heroin by doing "heeeere comes the airplane!" with the spoon

   Don't you just hate it when your friends ask you to flex, then your bicep smashes them in the face knocking them unconscious?

   it's the people who make a party awesome, not the drinks,bro

   You have to be nuts to be between a guy's legs 24/7.

   Tom and Jerry: The original "1000 Ways to Die."

   always know where the remote is all it takes is one sad animal commercial to kill the mood

   Sticking ANY kind of bumper sticker on your car is a great way to let people know you're a moron.