Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Every time something like this BATMAN thing happens, the yanks try to take the guns off the people who were not doing the shooting. Just saying, the rest of the world!

   I was arrested for indecent exposure, but, sadly, released for lack of evidence.

   As I was sitting in church this morning I thought of a hilarious joke. I started laughing out loud not realizing we were in prayer. Sorry Lord.

   I found an old coin and took it to a coin expert to examine it! He said ''This could be worth $5,000,000.00!'' After catching my breath I gasped ''Really?"' he tossed it back to me and said ''Yeah, if you use it to scratch off a winning lottery ticket!!!'

   No matter how old you are, how stiff, how brittle,you can always still put your foot in your mouth!!!

   So, are they going to place Joe Paterno's statue in the library to remind people to keep quiet?

   Mr Tickle wanted to marry the girl of his dreams. However, Tess was reluctant to take on his surname.

   I always clench up before I drive into a tunnel because I'm afraid Wile E. Coyote might have just drawn it on there.

   I installed a clapper in my bedroom last week so that I can turn my lights on and off by just lying in bed clapping my hands. I never really thought that one through... Every time I have a wank my room becomes like a nightclub with strobe lighting.

   "Everyday I'm buffering" – Youtube

   Shout out to all the girls who know how to arch that back right when you giving her back shots

   You are born to move mountains but you're still stuck on rocks.

   ust a friendly reminder, there are a minimum of three spiders in your room at all times. Goodnight...

   Just a friendly reminder, there are a minimal of three spiders in your room at all times. Goodnight...

   I don't care how hot you think you are, you aren't better than cheesecake. NOTHING is better than Cheesecake.

   ♫ All in all, it's just a... nother post on my wall. ♫

   What is gray and comes in quarts,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,an elephant

   What contemptible scoundrel has stolen the cork to my lunch?

   . Panties: Not the best thing on earth, but next to the best thing on earth. ; )

   When I was born, I was given a choice - A big d*ck or a good memory.. I don't remember what I chose.