Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   There is a button on my oven that says 'stop time'. I am pretty sure it means 'stop timER' but I don't push it just in case.

   Who's this "moderation" people keep telling me to drink with?

   Just because something is meant for kids doesn't mean it won't be amusing for adults. Boobs are a great example.

   THONY DEVITO 07/17/2012 No matter how busy I am, I always manage to make room in my life to get unreasonably angry when an update I'm proud of gets no reaction.

   "Val Kilmer really was the best Batman." ~Nobody, not even Val Kilmer

   Are you tired of being fat and ugly?..just stay ugly and join the gym !!

   I like my women like I like my coffee. A little bit gross and I wouldn't recommend them to my friend for fear of judgement.

   Listen, gorgeous... I love you so much I would suck out the venom if a poisonous snake bit you on the ass. But, I'm sorry, I won't swallow.

   Things you need to know about me: 1- I'm lazy 2- hmm, one is enough

   My boss isn't paying me enough to have to work this hard at wasting time.

   I don't want to brag, but lately I've been getting A LOT of attention from a Nigerian prince!

   the last two status belongs to a Dominican Beauty Amelia :)

   The easiest way to confuse a woman is to give her a choice.

   Can officially confirm that the way to a man's heart these days is not through beauty, food, sex, or alluringness of character, but merely the ability to seem not very interested in him.

   You know what I like most about people? Pets.


   I only go to strip clubs to beg the strippers to release and feed the goldfish in their heels.

   No party would be complete without that creepy guy sitting in the corner.

   All a woman wants is a strong, confident, capable man who will wear whichever shirt she tells him to.

   A spider crawled across my leg while I was driving and of course he survived the crash.

   A person who really appreciates you will always walk with you