Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   For sale one air bass guitar, never played. One air drum set only played on Phil Colin's in the air tonight..... Lol

   Does your a** never get jealous of the s**t that comes out of your mouth?

   If your legs open up faster than Google's homepage. You are not girlfriend material.

   My Mothers MENU had only two items: 1: Eat it or 2: Leave it.

   That moment you realise you're a result of sex.

   Life always offers you a second chance. It's called tomorrow.

   We can talk to astronauts in space, but we can't get phone reception inside elevators.

   Thank God It's Monday" ~ Your Liver

   Dudes in skinny jeans...there's no need for sex if you're already in her pants...

   I just heard that you should never enter into a marriage lightly...Heck, I must have been 275 lbs when I got married! So i'm good,,,

   Lesson one: Only trust people who like big butts...They cannot lie!

   Whenever I buy a box of condoms I always look the cashier in the eyes and say ''Where's your fitting room?!''

   throwing steak on the walls, hoping to create a unique world map.

   woke up on the wrong side this morning, but then went indoors.

   reading Mein Kampf and training the cat in racial purity.

   I find that a ducks opinion of me is largely influenced by whether or not I have bread.

   Maybe we should put the NCAA in charge of the Catholic Church too.

   what's the difference between your wife and your job? after a couple of years your job still sucks.

   when is an elf not an elf? when she's giving oral sex she's a goblin.

   what's the definition of "egghead" it's what mrs.dumpty gives to humpty