Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   opening cerimonies=epic fail...they should have got larry the cableguy.

   Hey uk at least we know how to put on a opening ceremony. Sincerely china

   When people ask me if I play "Draw Something," I take a piece of paper, "draw" the word "NO," and then hand it to them.

   Anyone who calls someone else a bigot is bigot. Your also intolerant of his view. Dumb@ss.

   It puts the lotion in the basket!-Me walking by Bath and Body Works in the mall

   80's rock group Starship shocked after hearing the President's speech to find that they didn't build that city on rock and roll, someone else did.

   I don't do drugs. I just smoke weed.

   They should make untangling headphones an olympic sport.

   Welcome to " Its Friday, b!tch3s!" You may place your attitudes in a laid back or don't give a phock position, underwear is optional, and as always, thank you for joining us on this weekend adventure!!

   Hmmm,,, So all the instruments used to find "intelligent life" pointed "AWAY" from earth???,,,,, Yeah,, that makes sense...

   So, when does this adulthood thing start then?

   Girls who are easy on the eyes are usually hard on the balls and wallet.

   Every Bond movie is like a porno that never happens.

   At what point during a one-night stand can you invite him to meet your parents?

   Just once I'd like to break out in song and not be "removed from the premises" and "warned for the last time".

   You call them “cuss words.” I choose to call them “sentence enhancers.”

   When you're an Olympic-size slut, every day is an opening ceremony.

   Attorney General Eric Holder will take away all your guns!........ Mexican Drug Cartel ''That;s where I got mine!!!''

   Drove by an automated speed sign, it said "SLOW DOWN! YOUR SPEED IS 45MPH" It was right next the sign that said "Speed Limit 45 MPH".

   I was outback chopping ome wood with my ''ask'' and this woman walked up and ''axed'' me a question!!!