Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   terrorists are starting to get worried coz Americans have now started to steal their jobs

   I'm rich and drive a space shuttle to work! its true check my christianmingle.com profile you cant lie on there cuz jesus runs it

   You ever look at someone and think that there should've been "one child left behind"?

   I'd give anything if I could just hear George Jefferson call us "Honky" one more time!

   "Bros before hoes" is something a bro without a hoe would say.

   Some of the best moments in life are the ones you can't tell anyone about.

   "Yeah. I wanna watch you rub your clot while you duck me. I live that, baby." - I'm done with autocorrect.

   I don't understand why so many of you are unhappy. They sell vodka where you are, don't they?

   Sometimes relationships last longer when facebook doesn't know about them.

   Baby on board* Oh really? Thanks for letting me know, I was about to ram into your car, but now I won't.

   Do you enjoy interacting with people?" "Nope" "Great, you're hired!" - DMV interview process

   I live in constant fear of accidentally mentioning something I only know about you because I've stalked you on the internet.

   Marriage. When dating goes too far.

   ‎3 Guys in Colorado died protecting their girlfriends. I dont want to hear any girls saying that ALL GUYS ARE THE SAME.

   I'm shy at first, but once I'm comfortable with you get ready for some crazy s$it.

   Welcome to the United States...Here is your crack and handgun.....Welcome to Canada....here's your beer and hockey stick

   To the wonderful staff at Walgreens....Thanks for the bathroom key and I am deeply deeply sincerely sorry

   I wish I was a pirate, so I could explain why I swashbuckle.

   It takes 43 muscles to frown, and yet it's still not an Olympic event. Ridiculous.

   Homeless guy walking by this bar patio looked at me and said "I'm your future," and I was like "Sweet, we have a cool beard."