Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Just pounded 2, 5 hour energy shots... Rap battled a stutterer, Lost... Played M.J. Fox at jenga. Lost... Played patty cake with E. Honda, Win!

   Hey Dude with the Antique license plate. Just cause your car is from 1982 doesnt mean its an antique. Its a piece of sh!t

   Girls at parties are like parking spaces, if you're late all the good ones are gone, So when nobody's looking you stick it in the disabled one....

   President Obama said 1992's dream team was better than this year's Olympic basketball team. Which is interesting because a lot of people think 1992's president is better than this year's president

   Gonna dress in drag and head on up to Chik-Fil-A!

   You don't give up your car when someone else drives drunk! So why would you give up your gun when someone else commits a crime with a gun?!

   So the North Korean soccer team won their opening game at the Olympics yesterday! I'm guessing they will be allowed to live, at least until they lose!

   Penn State announced the reason they took down the Joe Paterno statue was becuase of the jokes and fun the University was being subjected to! This coming from a school that has a stadium named ''Beaver''

   My wife is so much more attractive without having glasses on. That's why I always take mine off when I get home from work!

   If they played it would be the 1992 ''Dream Team'' vs.2012 ''Keep Dreamin Team''

   So an eleven year old boy managed to travel all the way to Rome by himself? He must be very brave going that close to the Vatican...

   No, I don't wanna know any of your real names. I've never recovered from finding out that Ice T's name is Tracey

   Who wants to come over and watch me collect dog turds on the wheels of my lawn mower?

   How long after the first date should I wait before asking to get my bra & panties back?

   You do not have to understand my silence but don't you dare criticize it.

   Some of you I'd like to take under my wing like a mother hen. Others of you I'd like to trap between my thighs like the Cougar that I am.

   I'd ask if you wanted to sleep over, but with my 12 cats, stuffed animal collection, & my late night stabbing urges, it might be a red flag.

   Adele sounds so different when you're not on your period.

   I often ask myself "What's wrong with me?" and the answer is ALWAYS "You can't drink at work"

   With my grandkids, I just assume that any word they use that I don't understand is a Pokemon creature.