Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   The saddest part of Harrison Ford turning 70 is how easily he could still kick my butt.

   Dear Amy Winehouse, I would like to take this moment to congratulate you on a full 12 months of being sober, keep up the great work.

   It's all fun and games til you lose your wifi..........ok, wife!

   Never take a Chess enthusiast to a restaurant with checkered tablecloths!......It'll take them an hour to pass the salt!!!

   Scientific Fact: The gravitational pull of cleavage on men's eyes is incredibly strong and cannot be fought.

   Scientist believe that coworkers are the main reason why humans developed middle fingers.

   I need breakfast! If I were any more hungry right now, Brad and Angelina would adopt me

   I didn't post this status somebody else made it happen!!!

   I want start up my own towing company in Iraq and call it "Camel Towing".....

   So, Schrodinger's cat walks into a bar... and doesn't.

   When I first met you, I got this tingling sensation. Then I realized my phone was on vibrate...

   Trying to understand some people is like trying to pick up a turd by the clean end!!!

   I'm going to make a plethora of bad decisions today to help cover up the plethora of bad decisions I made yesterday.

   If I text with “Almost there!” I haven't left yet...

   Frogs always look like they just found out there's no free Wi-Fi.

   Hey, everybody under 25 just shut up for like FIVE minutes.

   It's that time of the night when I openly taunt my ceiling fan for not having the guts to fall and crush me in my sleep.

   Free Tip: If a prostitute has nice teeth and carries a purse, she's a cop.

   Dear Guys who chew gum like a cow eating grass; Thanks for making it so damn easy to look classy next to you. Sincerely, Me.

   I bet black unicorns have the biggest horns.