Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   I don't trust joggers! It's just a little too coincidental that they are the ones that find all the dead bodies!!!

   "I apologize for my vauge statuses on Facebook, they were actually about you. Let's handle this like mature human beings instead." - Nobody Ever

   Those womens volleyball uniforms look like what my Uncle Ralph wore to our 4th of July picnic

   Skirts are so short now, the days of mirrors on top of your shoes are gone forever

   gymnists used to look tiny and cute, now they look like they'll kick your @ss in a bar fight

   me watching the olympics making me feel fat

   Santa has elves. America has China.

   We have three types of friends in life: Friends for a reason, friends for a season, and friends for a lifetime.

   No matter how old I get, I think mooning people will always be hilarious.

   My phone dies faster than Chris Brown on stomp the yard.

   Don't text me while I'm in the middle of texting you, now I have to change my whole message.

   What the hell is up with "Fun sized" candy? There is nothing fun about less candy.

   Some of these jokes are so old Jerry Sandusky wouldnt even touch em

   True irony: Getting a girl pregnant on a pull out couch.

   Weed is Illegal” “Yeah, so is the music in your iPod.

   Before we had Facebook, we had actual friends.

   Official sponsor and supplier for the London 2012 Olympic Games. ..RAIN !

   Nice guys finish last because they make sure their woman cums first. ; )

   Hey, I just met you and girl you look crazy. What brands your make up, Crayola maybe?

   See a bug outside: Hi Mr Bug! See a bug inside: Die b!tch! Die!