Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   If McDonald's made a deep fried pickle covered in a batter and called it the McDill Dough... would you order one?

   I'm making a list of regrets. Just to be sure I'm accurate, what's the name of Justin Bieber's first album?

   Just walked a mile in my own shoes............ not as good as I thought I'd be

   XBox Kinect Sports is so life-like... I just got picked last!

   Some of my favorite posts don't always get a lot of stars.. That's O.K. They know I love them,, and they love me back... That's all we need.

   I can't wait for 12G phones,,, They'll be able to post my posts before I'm finished typing them,, And they'll probably be funnier too.

   Beauty of Vodka:It looks lik Water!! Beauty of School:Water Bottles are Allowed Irony of Life:We didn't Realize This During Our School Days.

   Your profile picture brings the old saying "You can't polish a turd" to mind

   Yes, the carpet does match the drapes but all the furniture is from Goodwill.

   During the opening Olympic ceramony I thought the Chinese uniforms looked pretty good!....And the ones worn by the Chinese team weren't too bad either!!!

   Whoa whoa, calm down Swiffer commercials, you're a wet paper towel on a stick

   Man Rule #6......Men's Olympic Swimming events are the ''Only'' I repeat ''Only'' time speedo's are allowed!!!

   If you're home alone and wearing pants, you're doing it wrong!

   Aww I'm sorry you're mad the world doesn't revolve around you. Here...let me pour you a nice, tall glass of Get Over It.

   Why is YOLO popular all of a sudden? Was there seriously a problem of people thinking we lived twice?

   It's so hot outside, I bet Jehovah's Witnesses are going to start telemarketing.

   If people could hear the next five seconds after we hit end call, we would all have no friends.

   Pardon me while I slip into something a little more... unconscious.

   Trying to change my ways.......Now when I pick my nose, I don't wipe it on people anymore.

   Weeds not a drug? Ha! Ya and Tomatoes aren't Vegetables! Wait....they aren't!