Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   It has been brought to my attention that the stick figures on soccer mom vans are actually NOT pedestrian "kill" scores and are actually meant to represent family members. I will remove mine immediately to avoid any further confusion.

   I was eating Oreos, and I was dunking one in milk and the cookie broke and sank to the bottom. So now I'm just sitting here, staring at the glass and wondering why bad things happen to good people.

   I once dated a girl with a parrot. The thing was crazy and never shut up! The parrot was cool though.

   Ladies, if you unnaturally alter your appearance so drastically it's all one sees, don't be shocked when you attract the shallowest of men.

   What is this "growing up" thing and how do I avoid it?

   There is over a billion people in China and there is also only two haricuts

   I work and pay taxes so the wealthy dont have to,

   Wow, the U.S. sychronized men's diving team are extreme h0m0sexuals.

   Ladies; The "JUICY" on the back of these shorts should really be on the front.

   B!tch don't flatter yourself. You're not even on my radar.

   It's not pretty being easy.

   Have you ever noticed that the crazies around h3re really suck at spelling and grammar?

   So you mean to tell me a stress ball isn't for throwing at people who stress you out?

   I won't lie. I only started drinking coffee after I got too old for cocaine.

   Women are weird and difficult and frustrating but they sure do taste good.

   Today is World Middle Finger Day...use it

   "Thank god that day is over"-- Chikens

   I can summarise the 10 commandments into one: DON'T BE A DOUCHEBAG.

   I wish I were Gilbert Gottfried. He made it big from his only defining talent. The ability to squint for an hour.

   Cuddled up to my girlfriend last night, she said, “Aw you finally chose me over Facebook!” I just didn't have the heart to tell her my battery just died.