Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Life ain't nothing but: female dogs and gardening tools!

   I've just spent the last 5 hours on mine craft accomplishing more than I ever will in real life

   Tomorrow can be just another day or it could be the first day of the rest of your life. Change happens by choice not coincidence.

   I like to restate the obvious, it's important obviously

   My dog pissed on the carpet so I made him smoke a whole carton of cigarettes. Dont blame me, I'm new to this whole dog training thing.

   When all is said and done then there is nothing left to say or do.

   It's not true love until they offer to get decapitated, cooked and eaten by you.

   My ex has so many screws loose that she could open a hardware store.

   I know my limit....until I start drinking

   "So.....you went to college to get a job and you have a job to pay for college." .....What a great economic system the Rothschilds & Rockefellers created!

   I see you speeding up when I'm trying to pass you. Why couldn't you go this fast when I was behind you?

   My girlfriend was looking through my DVD collection. "What's 'Fight Club'? I've never heard of it," she said. It's good to see the system's working.

   When the teacher says you'll be working with partners then adds ''But I'll be assigning them!''

   16 and a Olympian > 16 and Pregnent

   3AM text message ''Hey are you asleep?''....''No I'm scuba diving!''

   Dude, I gave you a pen not a chew toy!

   If the Olympics has taught me anything it's that China may have a population of over 1 billion... but they only have two hair styles.

   $19.99 because $20 is an outrageous amount of money!

   Dude, she has a Boyfriend! So, soccer has a goalie doesn't mean you can't still score!

   If my Boobs sag any more people are going to think they are nuts!