Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Welcome to Hollister would you like a gas mask, flashlight, or earplugs?

   If I was a judge in the Olympic Trampoline events, I'd give the Silver to the chick with the biggest boobs, Gold if she doesn't wear a bra.

   Tax free weekend: the only two days out of the year that the government isn't fckng us.

   Every Olympic event should include one average person competing, for reference.

   i just want to know when the chick-on-chick-fil-a sandwich comes out

   Welcome to Chik-Fila, doesn't really matters what you all protest for, as long as you EAT MORE CHICKEN!!

   The Girlfriend left a note on the fridge "IT'S NOT WORKING, I CAN'T TAKE IT ANYMORE , I'M GOING TO MOTHERS " I opened the fridge, the light came on, The Beer was Cold,,, What the Hell is she talking about !?!?

   I should run for political office to see what kind of shit they bring up. It would be nice to piece together my twenties.

   So today Gays and Lesbians are going to chick-fil-a to kiss in protest of the company. I'm hoping to go to see Some hot lesbian action, but it will probably be a bunch of dudes sucking face. #DecsionsDecesions

   My wife walked out on me after I blew our life savings on a penis extension. She said she just couldn't take it any longer.

   The noblest of dogs of all dogs is the hot dog , It feeds the hand that bites it !!

   The Olympics are only around to make white people feel good at sports

   I just bought a television! It's amazing the price difference between a 47 inch T.V. and a 50 inch T.V. is a couple hundred dollars! In real life for an extra 3 inches I would pay thousands!!!

   But it's a Stress Ball, I thought I was suppose to throw it at who, or whatever was stressing me out . .when I seen the blue and red lights flashing, and that loud siren. . . .wait, wha? How am I suppose throw it with hand-cuffs.

   Life is too short so don't dance with fat girls

   Just remembering some of my elementary school days and chuckled when I remembered how sitting “boy, girl, boy, girl” used to be a punishment.

   I Love when my Friends help to Identify themselves as Technologically-Retarded Idiots by changing their Status to: "WOW I cant believe that you can see who is viewing your Profile!"...

   If you get a recipe from a cannibal make sure it differentiates between ground chuck & ground Chuck.

   “I can't believe it's not butter!” - me watching Paula Deen use something other than butter as her first ingredient..

   The side effects of the new medicine I'm on include nausea, nausea, nausea, nausea, nausea,,, repeating things four times & difficulty adding.