Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Did you know that you can quietly be a republican, democrat or liberal?

   Dear douch%bag on the street corner yelling that he has more "swag" than anyone else in this city, do please tell me what store accepts "swag".

   I stopped by the apple store and used their bathroom .. iPeed

   Just got bit by a spider, hoping it was radioactive instead of poisonous.

   I want to cover you in expensive things...like gasoline.

   Just got bit by a spider, hoping it was radioactive instead of poi

   I've got the solution to this whole anti-gay mess with the fast foods. I'm just going to open a pro-gay franchise and call it Chik-fil-HAAAAAAY *snap*

   Bought one of those tennis racket looking bug zappers today. My god, where have you been all my life. What fun! Oooh, here comes the dog....

   Cleveland Browns sold for one billions dollars. Wow, the value of the dollar has hit an all time low...

   Lets just reveal each other's baggage on the first date and decide whether this romance is even worth pursuing.

   My misery loves vodka, and hates company.

   They should make the female swimmers wear a tube top & thong then maybe I'd finish before they did.

   Confidence is maturbating with the lights on...blinds open...and the door unlocked.

   I hope her spirit animal is a spread eagle.

   It's fun to confuse people by using common sense.

   if you want to make me nervous, tell me that you love me.

   Being poor is never a reason to hate the rich. You can learn from them, wish & try to be like them, but envy means you have a rotten soul.

   I hate when I can't find a decent status update to steal.

   I think I'm falling in tolerate with you.

   Hi welcome to sex with me, I'll be sweating on you and crying for the next 45 minutes