Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Obama got pulled over today and they asked him for his birth certificate and school transcript

   DOUGLAS unscrambled = USA GOLD

   My doctor prescribed marijuana for my constipation but said if it didn't work after a week to discontinue using it. Basically he told me to poop or get off the pot.

   I'm sorry but after the 4th sneeze you are more likely to get a throat punch than a "bless you" from me... control that will ya

   Considering my balance, my credit card has the best theft detection ever. It just says declined no matter what you try to buy.

   Was thinking about giving a f*ck today but... f*cks just don't grow on trees, you know!

   "the govt doesn't want you to use YOUR drugs, they want you to use THEIR drugs

   Shout out to all the 90's baby's, with no babies!

   YOLO backwards is OLOY, "Only Losers Obey Yolo"

   Sunglasses: Allowing you to stare at people without getting caught. It's like Facebook in real life.

   True Freedom: Taking a dump with the door open.

   A few hours before your dentist appointment, you'll do the best brushing you've done all year.

   In the dark, it takes several minutes to find the hole and stick it in. Stupid phone charger.

   Actually, I WOULD wish that on my worse enemy.

   I went to confession and told the priest I had impure thoughts about other religions.

   Pushed too hard against my eardrum with a Q-tip and reset my brain.

   I hate when I accidently run my hand over a piece of gum stuck under a desk!

   OLYMPIC GYMNAST 2012: Jumps 20 feet in the air, defies all laws of physics, does 10 backflips, defeats voldemort, comes back down and lands perfectly on the balance beam while fireworks go off in the background. ME: I fall on face as I try putting socks

   Running up to him yelling, "I NEVER STOPPED BELIEVING!" is probably a good way to get Steve Perry to sh*t his pants.

   it true that ADHD came from some bored guy that screwed a monkey from the 70's?