Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Why does it seem only ugly, fat or old chicks hit on me when I go out to the local watering hole?

   Finally, track and field. Where the men are men and the women are too...

   Her: Do You know how much I love you? Me: how much? Her: This much *spreads legs*

   Sometime's I put lipstick on my own collar Just so I can get the silent treatment

   People with full heads of hair that complain about grey hairs make me sick. It's like complaining that your Lamborghini gets terrible gas mileage.

   Be a deer and stand in the middle of the road for me, would you?

   The key to a relationship is both of you staring silently at your phones as the emotionless fog ushers you into the cold embrace of death.

   My toddler just grabbed a slice of pizza, folded it like a pro, and took a bite. It was like watching a paternity test come back positive.

   The tupac hologram at coachella was so realistic, it's already not paying child support for two children

   So what your saying Chick-Fil-A, you will not be sponsoring Men's Olympic Racewalking.

   Nothing gives me greater joy than telling the IT guy that my password is "password"

   There are few guarantees in life but if you see a grown man riding a bmx, he knows where to score some meth

   Someone cut this gloryhole too big, I can see this guys mustache and it's really throwing my fantasy off

   If my balls get any sweatier, they'll start wearing a poncho and speaking Spanish

   I'm 14-0 in fights vs. the elderly

   A week in to the Olympics and finally something to cheer about. A female athlete with boobs visible to the naked eye.

   AWE YEAH,,, I just washed my dog with Axe body wash... He's gonna to get ALL DA B!TCHES

   Someone wearing Crocs just told me to never judge someone till you've walked a mile in their shoes.

   FaceBook....the second most popular word that starts with "F" and ends with "K".

   At least stevie wonder was faithful, he never saw any other women during his marriage.