Funny Status Messages

   I grew up in the 70s. If there was a bowl of fruit on the kitchen table it was made out of plastic and lead paint

   When the pandemic ends, don’t forget to update your Face ID so your phone can recognize you without that cheeto dust mustache.

   I’m starting yoga today and If my body isn’t perfect by noon, I’m quitting.

   True crime was invented to remind people that life could be worse

   wife: did the stimulus hit our bank account yet me: *surrounded by 237 Crunchwrap supreme wrappers* n-no

   the worst part about lockdown is thinking of all those Pokémon outside just waiting to be found

   I bet Dog heaven and Squirrel hell are the same place

   Two mass shootings in just over a week. Sure signs that the US is reopening and recovering from the pandemic.

   I accidentally ruined my wife's Chic record. I hope she doesn't freak out.

   On more than one occasion I’ve canceled plans because I was too full of calzone.

   Getting old is trying to decide whether to roll to your right or roll to your left after getting the dog’s ball from under the couch

   I would like to think money won’t change me, but I got my stimulus check and immediately bought name brand aluminum foil.

   I think with my tax refund this year I’ll buy a commercial freezer because the bodies keep falling out of the smaller ones and it scares the dog.

   Today I photographed two bees having sex and I am not sure it is appropriate to post so you’ll have to imagine it.

   Can’t figure out if the neighbour’s baby is fussy or they bought a goat.

   Grew up in a neighborhood so tough, all the kids put onions in their ‘no tears’ shampoo.

   My favorite state to visit? Unconsciousness

   Maybe the aliens read our tweets and that’s why they probe us anally because they think that’s where our brains are?

   Finally, my winter fat is gone… now I have spring rolls

   One time, a dude messaged me to ask what I was wearing & I had just put in my mouthguard to go to bed… so I said “mouthguard” & he asked for pics. So I sent him a photo of my mouthguard & he blocked me.