Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   If I agreed with you we'd both be wrong.

   Ending sentences with prepositions is not something I have a problem with.

   Sex is awesome as long as you don't accidenatlly catch or create anything.

   If you're happy and you know it go share that bullsh!t on facebook.

   I walked past a lady in her car with convertible down. She locked the door out of fear. So I smacked her in the back of the head & ran way

   If these were Biblical times, instead of flogging Jesus they woulda forced him to watch "Jersey Shore" in it's entirety

   I win all of my breakups by not getting fat.

   Ladies, please. Get a hold of yourselves. There's enough of me to disappoint all of you.

   I feel bad for deaf people until I remember Justin Bierber.

   Preferred sexual position depends on your partner's breath; therefore, doggie remains the favorite for morning sex.

   We threw the body in the river. Then he just shrugged and asked if I ordered pizza yet. That's when I knew we were best friends.

   I just took a poop so black, I sent an instagram of it to Kim Kardashian and she asked what team it plays for

   I don't appreciate the trash talking Chinese athletes saying "we OWN you!" to the U.S. team. Let's leave our deficit out of this!

   At restaurants, I'm asked what I want but when I sit & cry for hours, I'm asked to leave. It's like they don't even care that I want.

   Just deleted and blocked the Pope. I don't need him reading my sh!t.

   I like women, but not twitter women. (they have pen!ses)

   The big twist at the end of our lives,, Is that Pluto really was a planet the WHOLE TIME...

   My therapist told me I should take life more seriously. I told him HE should, shmake shmife shmore shmeriously.

   So orphans only have 9 commandments to deal with?

   Some of these actors are so good at playing the bad guy role that when I see them in real life, I just want to punch them in the throat.