Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   My boyfriend is walking out on me because of my obsession with Call of Duty. It's okay, he won't get far. I put a claymore by the door.

   What!? High schools with daycare centers!!....Now see what you did MTV by having that 16 & Pregnant mess! I hope you're happy.

   SCORE! Some girl on my friends list asked me to meet her for drinks tonight! All I need to do is hit the ATM and lose 70 lbs by 8 O'Clock.

   I don't know what hurts my wrist more, playing volleyball or watching women's volleyball!

   It's funny how the Chinese are competing to win back medals they probably made a month ago!

   If all else fails in my life I can always become a priest and earn a living through that gig.

   some people are like clouds, once they f__K off it becomes a nice day.

   Religion is a multi-billion dollar industry and those benefiting financially from it will do everything in their power to keep the con going.

   I do not care how old I am. I am going in the bouncy castle!

   Olympian's earn their medals every 4yrs........In Afghanistan our servicemen earn their medals every day!!!

   Cat burglars commit daring robberies with stealthy skills, while kitten burglars are so cute people just give them stuff.

   I walked into the Dentist's office and he asked me what the problem was and I said ''Doc, I think I'm a Giant Moth!'' He said ''You need a Psychiatrist not a Dentist, why did you come in here?'' I told him ''The light was on!!!''

   People are so excited about the 100m Olympic times, but Jason Voorhees could beat all those clowns just walking.

   No matter how old you are an empty Christmas wrapping tube is still a Sword!

   There are now 4 sides to every story. Yours, mine, the truth & the Internets version.

   I haven't spoken to my wife in 3days because she hates when I interupt her!

   More often than not, my feelings can be summed up with a simple "feh."

   Hey "hi how ah you" you,and your ignorant quotes about religion SUCK!

   When will Britain learn? They have a wedding, we kill Bin Laden...they have the Olympics, we land on Mars.

   The one who laughs last is the slowest. The one who laughs first has the dirtiest mind.