Funny Status Messages and Tweets
Funny Status Messages for Facebook, Discord, and Whatsapp and funny tweets for Twitter.
Page: 3334 of 6446

I wanted to stop for McDonald's this morning but the line was too wide.
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08-06-2012 11:06 by snotty
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Bought my first Bluetooth last night at a gas station. Haven't used it yet but it works great. I leave it in and people no longer look at me like I'm nuts when I talk to myself.....
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08-06-2012 11:04 by SEAN
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Decided to spend my entire day alone in the car. Or as she calls it "shopping "
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08-06-2012 11:03 by SEAN
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NASA announces rover "Curiosity" landed safely on Mars. In a related story, Martians are reportedly furious over the death of their cat...vow revenge.
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08-06-2012 09:32
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Substituting coffee for sleep is like substituting deodorant for a shower.
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08-06-2012 09:00
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95% of every relationship is navigating the question "Where should we eat?" without it turning into World War III.
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08-06-2012 05:59 by flinnie
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Its amazing that we as people get curious and it cost a lot of money we just say "nah... its not worth it" but when the government gets "Curiosity" They spend billions on it.

Curiosity just landed on Mars. I hope there will be a picture of the 3 titties lady..

There's a special place in hell for autocorrect
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08-06-2012 02:59
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I hate people who kiss the boss's ass right after I compliment his new haircut.
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08-06-2012 02:35
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My neighbor is very weird. Every time I have a party, he invites himself to my house, goes to the fridge and takes back all the beers I stole from him.
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08-06-2012 02:32
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Ladies, if you want something fixed around the house, don't offer your man sex. Just start fixing it yourself. Your welcome.
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08-06-2012 02:31
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A walk of shame is always sad. Don't make it worse by adding the sound of Flip flops to it.

I'm hiding all my porn on VHS. Even if my kids find it, they won't know what to do with it.
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08-06-2012 02:24
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I love morning sex....... Ok I love it anytime.
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08-06-2012 02:20
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I love it when you push my buttons, baby. But touch my car radio presets and I'll have to push you into oncoming traffic.
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08-06-2012 02:18
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NASA didn't make that happen, someone else did!

Mars rover "Curiousity" has landed and less an hour later, something has stole 2 rims off of it...
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08-06-2012 02:13 by Rick
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I am underwhelmed by the Mars rover landing pictures. You would think at this year 2012 we could get some colored pictures and video.
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08-06-2012 02:12
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You'd think at some point, one of Antonio Banderas's friends would have bought him a hair dryer as a gift. I mean, they're only like $25.
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08-06-2012 02:11
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