Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Of Course I talk to myself... Sometimes I need expert advice!

   Why is it when you barely miss a 30 foot putt and everyone says it's a good putt? You make a 30 footer and everyone says it was luck…

   That custom taylored Italian suit can easily be ruined by the default Nokia ringtone......

   I didn't see a single Olympic wrestler use the sleeper hold or figure four leg lock...

   It should be an Olympic event to press "skip this ad" on YouTube before I find out what it was for.

   Just face it. Comparing England to America is like comparing the WNBA to the NBA…

   Accidentally took a women's multi vitamin and I've been trying to get dressed for the past 3 hours, but everything is making me look fat.

   Hating people takes too much energy. I just pretend they're dead.

   I do not, and never will, know my confirmation number.

   The Bible is a lot like those online Terms of Use Agreements. Everyone says they agree with it, but very few people actually read it.

   My healthcare policy basically only covers taking off my shoe to twist my sock around a little bit so the seam isn't right under my toe

   I'd say popping your trunk to release 10,000 butterflies is the most magical way to elude the cops.

   Renault and Ford are coming out with a new car. It's a combo of the Clio and Taurus. It's called the Clitaurus. It comes in pink and male thieves won't be able to find it even if someone tells them where it is!!!!

   Moses sent me an email from his new tablet, with ten attachments.

   I'd rather sink in my ephemeral dreams than float in your eternally absurd reality.

   “I vant to suck your hemoglobin.” -Count Dorkula

   I value your opinion as long as you don't offer it

   All I really need are two things: a lighter, and five minutes of being unsupervised.

   Please spare me the agony of listening to your relationship problems if you always end up with the same idiot.

   Uh-oh. My guardian angel just enrolled in the witness protection program.