Funny Status Messages and Tweets

Funny Status Messages for Facebook, Discord, and Whatsapp and funny tweets for Twitter.

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   messageicon I wanted to stop for McDonald's this morning but the line was too wide.
←Rate | 08-06-2012 11:06 by snotty Comments (0)  


   messageicon Bought my first Bluetooth last night at a gas station. Haven't used it yet but it works great. I leave it in and people no longer look at me like I'm nuts when I talk to myself.....
←Rate | 08-06-2012 11:04 by SEAN Comments (0)  


   messageicon Decided to spend my entire day alone in the car. Or as she calls it "shopping "
←Rate | 08-06-2012 11:03 by SEAN Comments (0)  


   messageicon NASA announces rover "Curiosity" landed safely on Mars. In a related story, Martians are reportedly furious over the death of their cat...vow revenge.
←Rate | 08-06-2012 09:32 Comments (0)  


   messageicon Substituting coffee for sleep is like substituting deodorant for a shower.
←Rate | 08-06-2012 09:00 Comments (0)  


   messageicon 95% of every relationship is navigating the question "Where should we eat?" without it turning into World War III.
←Rate | 08-06-2012 05:59 by flinnie Comments (0)  


   messageicon Its amazing that we as people get curious and it cost a lot of money we just say "nah... its not worth it" but when the government gets "Curiosity" They spend billions on it.
←Rate | 08-06-2012 03:58 by @BBreuklander Comments (0)  


   messageicon Curiosity just landed on Mars. I hope there will be a picture of the 3 titties lady..
←Rate | 08-06-2012 03:27 by Derfmeister Comments (0)  


   messageicon There's a special place in hell for autocorrect
←Rate | 08-06-2012 02:59 Comments (0)  


   messageicon I hate people who kiss the boss's ass right after I compliment his new haircut.
←Rate | 08-06-2012 02:35 Comments (0)  


   messageicon My neighbor is very weird. Every time I have a party, he invites himself to my house, goes to the fridge and takes back all the beers I stole from him.
←Rate | 08-06-2012 02:32 Comments (0)  


   messageicon Ladies, if you want something fixed around the house, don't offer your man sex. Just start fixing it yourself. Your welcome.
←Rate | 08-06-2012 02:31 Comments (0)  


   messageicon A walk of shame is always sad. Don't make it worse by adding the sound of Flip flops to it.
←Rate | 08-06-2012 02:25 by Kisstopher Comments (0)  


   messageicon I'm hiding all my porn on VHS. Even if my kids find it, they won't know what to do with it.
←Rate | 08-06-2012 02:24 Comments (0)  


   messageicon I love morning sex....... Ok I love it anytime.
←Rate | 08-06-2012 02:20 Comments (0)  


   messageicon I love it when you push my buttons, baby. But touch my car radio presets and I'll have to push you into oncoming traffic.
←Rate | 08-06-2012 02:18 Comments (0)  


   messageicon NASA didn't make that happen, someone else did!
←Rate | 08-06-2012 02:16 by Chad Kautz Comments (0)  


   messageicon Mars rover "Curiousity" has landed and less an hour later, something has stole 2 rims off of it...
←Rate | 08-06-2012 02:13 by Rick Comments (0)  


   messageicon I am underwhelmed by the Mars rover landing pictures. You would think at this year 2012 we could get some colored pictures and video.
←Rate | 08-06-2012 02:12 Comments (0)  


   messageicon You'd think at some point, one of Antonio Banderas's friends would have bought him a hair dryer as a gift. I mean, they're only like $25.
←Rate | 08-06-2012 02:11 Comments (0)  




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