Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Today at the supermarket I expressed my displeasure at the price of milk via the medium of dance.

   Its finally Friday! Felt like it took a week to get here!!

   9 out of 10 men like girls with big boobs and the 10th guy likes the other 9 guys.

   I haven't had this many women fawning over me since the day I came home from the hospital as a newborn.

   The absolute worst thing I did when I was drunk was getting married.

   Randy Travis' meltdown was so bad Al Gore is making a documentary about it.

   Sometimes I need what only you can provide: your absence.

   I wonder if Jesus knows that everyone just pretends to be his friend so they can move into his sweet cloud house.

   Don't be upset at your lady for checking me out. Instead compliment her on her great taste

   I'm not always a gentleman in the bedroom, but I will hold the door for you so you can leave afterwards

   That fantasy or religious belief you find so ridiculous might be the only thing giving someone enough strength to avoid suicide.

   I don't understand why people go to the gym all the time... everything there's so heavy.

   It must be awkward when a plumber's crack gets blocked.

   Dating was never my strong point because I've always been really good at getting laid.

   Whenever anyone asks me who I'm on the phone with I say...."Jake, from State Farm!"

   after watching final destination....if a lighter falls down , i'm like " OMG...NOW THE LIGHTER'S GONNA SET THE ENTIRE HOUSE ON FIRE 'CUZ THE GAS IS LEAKING SUMHOW AND ALL MY EXITS ARE LOCKED !!!!.."....

   In a bizarre turn of events, erectile dysfunction cases are on the rise.

   I wish I loved anything as much as people in yogurt commercials love eating yogurt.

   Welcome to Friday. In preparation for takeoff, please ensure all negative attitudes are properly stowed. On behalf of your captain, Samuel Adams and myself, welcome aboard. I expect sunshine and good attitudes today for our trip. Enjoy the ride.

   tried ziplining last night. absolutely amazing. what's even more amazing is the fact I still had clean underwear when it was over.