Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Dear sleep, I know we had problems when I was younger, but now I love you.

   dear super bowl halftime organizers. You watching the Olympics??

   They ignore you now, but they'll need you later.

   That feeling when you get annoyed of texting the same people everyday.

   Hearing noises when you're home alone and just accepting the fact that you're going to die.

   My neighbors are slamming doors and screaming at each other, keeping me awake. I retaliated by playing Nickelback super loud, We all lose tonight.

   Whenever God closes a door,, he usually pushes me out of a window..

   If the plural for goose is geese, why isn't the plural for moose meese?

   Do what you love, but run like hell as soon as you hear the sirens.

   Of Course I talk to myself... Sometimes I need expert advice!

   Why is it when you barely miss a 30 foot putt and everyone says it's a good putt? You make a 30 footer and everyone says it was luck…

   That custom taylored Italian suit can easily be ruined by the default Nokia ringtone......

   I didn't see a single Olympic wrestler use the sleeper hold or figure four leg lock...

   It should be an Olympic event to press "skip this ad" on YouTube before I find out what it was for.

   Just face it. Comparing England to America is like comparing the WNBA to the NBA…

   Accidentally took a women's multi vitamin and I've been trying to get dressed for the past 3 hours, but everything is making me look fat.

   Hating people takes too much energy. I just pretend they're dead.

   I do not, and never will, know my confirmation number.

   The Bible is a lot like those online Terms of Use Agreements. Everyone says they agree with it, but very few people actually read it.

   My healthcare policy basically only covers taking off my shoe to twist my sock around a little bit so the seam isn't right under my toe