Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   A good friend knows how you take your coffee. A great friend adds booze.

   Do midget farts smell half as bad?

   I told you I'm busy! Who are you going to believe, me or the 50 tweets I p0sted in the last hour?

   When a man orders salad and wine at dinner, I order a huge steak and a beer, because someone has to show him how not to be a pu$$y.

   I hate it when I am flirting with a hot girl and the fat girl between us thinks I am flirting with her fat ass.

   Dear Google, Stop making stupid doodles to f**k with the productivity of the employees of other offices.

   wondering why everyone is so excited about landing a rover on Mars. Did everyone forget that we've been landing junk there (including 2 other rovers) since 1976.

   if man evolved from monkeys, why are there still monkeys??

   Ever notice that as soon as you wash your car, sprinklers that you have never seen before suddenly become active just as you drive up.

   To my opponent in songpop that keeps selecting "Classic R&B"... no one likes you.

   Today at the supermarket I expressed my displeasure at the price of milk via the medium of dance.

   Its finally Friday! Felt like it took a week to get here!!

   9 out of 10 men like girls with big boobs and the 10th guy likes the other 9 guys.

   I haven't had this many women fawning over me since the day I came home from the hospital as a newborn.

   The absolute worst thing I did when I was drunk was getting married.

   Randy Travis' meltdown was so bad Al Gore is making a documentary about it.

   Sometimes I need what only you can provide: your absence.

   I wonder if Jesus knows that everyone just pretends to be his friend so they can move into his sweet cloud house.

   Don't be upset at your lady for checking me out. Instead compliment her on her great taste

   I'm not always a gentleman in the bedroom, but I will hold the door for you so you can leave afterwards