Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Mary Jane is the only woman that won't complain when you hit her.

   WOW!! What a great dream!!! I'll never forget dreaming that me and ..um..um...um...Who was it?? Well, we um, um, um, um.....Oh crap!!!! Forgot it already!!

   Commercial time. I'll just flip through and see what else is on.......1 min later....What the HelI was I just watching??????

   Happy birthday to Sir Mix-A-Lot! People forget how persecuted big butts were before he wrote that song.

   Just saw that I have one unheard message and I didn't even see my phone ring. I hope it's not work-related or Mel Gibson!

   ..taking into account that Iron Man and Batman's super powers are being super rich and smart, makes me really disappointed with Bill Gates.

   .Been staring at this cardinal in my tree outside my window... If he don't get down in the next five minutes, I'm calling the f@#king church!

   What if cell phones are part of an elaborate plot to rid the world of phone booths so Superman has nowhere to change?

   If I owned a bar I would pour myself shots all the time, look in the mirror, wink and say "It's on the house."

   As of today, I've been married to my best friend for 10 amazing years. Love you, sweetie! Is she gone? OMG, you guys, I'm being smothered.

   I like to help my children think up cruel nicknames for the other kids at their school.

   Seeing how Iron Man and Batman are only really smart and super rich, I'm really disappointed with Bill Gates.

   I'd be the worst 911 Operator. "Uh ma'am I think you mean he was lying in a puddle of his own blood, not laying."

   Mention me in your will. Just give me a shout out or something.

   Ugh I hate when I go to shoot someone with a gun and then realize I accidentally packed my hot glue gun and end up scrapbooking for hoourrrs

   Decaf coffee is like paying a hooker for a hug.

   Watching a show about surviving in the wild in case I ever decide to log off and go outside.

   I'm not worried about God judging me. He's too busy judging the rest of you b@stards.

   If I ever make a list of dumb things I have done my ex would be right on top.

   I'm glad it's the thought that counts because I spend all day thinking about the shit I should be doing.