Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   I hope the Olympics teaches kids and parents that in real life you do not get a trophy just for participating.

   I hate you but I'm not in hate with you.

   If you had to die, this would be the best way... Clint Eastwood shooting you while Morgan Freeman narrates it.

   It's not a real relationship until you secretly start to hate each other.

   The three reasons for liking a status: 1) I agree with you. 2) I realize this is about me, of course I'm gonna like it. 3) I like you.

   I think each Olympic event should include a competitor randomly picked out of the spectator stands to keep things interesting.

   Because of gas prices,, the Motor Trend Car of the Year for 2012 is walking.

   I have a friend that has 3 jobs. Weatherman, Politician, and car salesman. I don't think he's very truthful.

   To all the people who said that I'd never be able to write a joke about Bukkake: haha, in your face!

   Finished I couldn't believe it when my wife demanded sex the other night just before the start of the 100 meter's final but I have to say, I was pleased with my performance.I finished before Bolt.

   Handball - A sport for countries that suck at basketball and soccer

   My circle of friends is a dot.

   One time at a job interview, I was asked: "What can you bring to this company?" I told them: "paper clips, lots of paper clips"

   Honk if you're not in your car....... (My new bumpersticker)

   A recent study estimated that 8% of all Facebook accounts are fake… unless you count people's personalities, then that number jumps to 93%.

   My driver's side window stopped working,,,, So yeah,, I'm probably gonna starve to death..

   Whats the hardest part about being a roller blader? Telling your parents your gay.

   My wife is complaining that I never buy her jewelry... In my defense, I didn't even know she sold jewelry.

   When taking a picture of your mirror for posting it on facebook, please try to angle your camera a little or you'll end up in the picture. I see this mistake a lot

   Me: "I'll have a Coke please." Waitress: "Is Pespi okay?" Me: "Is Monopoly money okay?