Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Now that the Olympics are over, Michael Phelps can finally be released back to his natural habitat; the couch with a bong.

   Jumbo tampons and magnum condoms should be on the same shelf for chance meetings and match making purposes.

   Remember when I used to like you? Me neither.

   Earlier I dug into my couch cushions, found Wyclef's career and my long lost TV's remote. I put Wyclef's career back coz no one is looking for it.

   My relationship with my Ex was purely psychological... She was a psycho and I was totally logical.

   I went to church for confession. It's strange. I don't remember the priest's dialogue ever containing "The power of Christ compells you!" before.

   You'd think by episode 133 the Scooby Doo gang would know it's a guy in a costume every time.

   Cats are so disgusting it makes them puke.

   I had to take a lie detector test at a job interview once. No I didn't.

   I feel bad that God made you so stupid, but no, I'm not doing extra work to keep you from looking bad.

   I once met a guy who wrecked himself. He was always bummed he hadn't checked himself first. So sad.

   Science will never impress me till I can pay a hooker by swiping my credit card down her ass.

   If I only had a gym at home so I could finally not go to that one either.

   Being in love is the smartest way of being stupid.

   Hell is just a place where they play Justin Bieber's music all day.

   Women are like Alarm Clocks. It's such a relief when they finally shut the hell up.

   I had so many great women in my life, yet I don't know where they're at... at least that's what I told the cops ;)

   On the bright side, my coffee will never get cold in hell.

   Since I'm sleeping on the couch, Switced my wife's alka seltzer water with red bull and 2 laxative pills!!! Her shittz going to fly!

   Since I'm sleeping on the couch, Switced my wife's alka seltzer water with red bull and 2 laxative pills, Since I'm sleeping on the couch !!!