Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   How come i'm your best friend all of a sudden when you need money? but you dont remember when I needed a ride?

   This world is in bad shape. Education would be nice or maybe just learning to spell before you put your thought into the public forum.......What the hell is a "ceeling fan"?

   Got to the bottom of the mountain of laundry and found my favorite sock I thought the dryer ate. Raising both fists in the air and giving a Gladiatorial roar of victory I soon discovered that I just washed my wallet.....

   Your chances of becoming an Olympic Athlete are less than 1 in 10,000. Think about that for just a second. All Olympians should be proud of just having the opportunity to participate.

   By saying you want a sandwich after sex you're letting me know you suck at sex because you expect me to be able to walk afterwards.

   Don't ever talk behind my back, unless you're asking me to raise my ass a little more.

   You make me want to be a better drinker.

   Let me lick your wounds with a touch of salt and vinigar.

   Saying you want to age gracefully is like saying you want to fall down a flight of stairs naked and land face first in pig poo, gracefully.

   Gaining weight isn't all bad. On the bright side, your clothes get so tight you don't need to iron the creases out.

   Let it be know that if you touch my phone and it's not a life or death situation, it automatically becomes a life or death situation.

   Idle hands do the devil's work, and that's why they're down your pants right now.

   Ignoring your ass is my favorite way of interacting with you.

   right now...there are 3 kinds -- people : 1. who want to kill Kristen 'coz she cheated Rob ,2. who don't know who the HELL she is and my personal favourite.......... 3. who don't give a DAMN if she did......

   say what you will about Usain Bolt, but I still say he'd make an outstanding purse snatcher

   Hey Jalen Rose, these Fab 5 actually won a championship. So shut your mouth!

   tired of being called a liar? tired of having to keep your thoughts locked deeply inside your mind in order to protect the feelings of others? Want to perform dance moves? Want to show the world the real you? . . No fear Everclear is here!

   Will somebody write something houmorous, all this one line bile is not funny !!

   Well, I'm off to check out the Perseid Meteor Shower...Oh, who am I kidding? I'm gonna get drunk, fall over backwards and try to see Uranus.

   I wonder if the Ethiopian Blend Coffee I just bought is fat free?