Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   I feel sorry for men who don't know how to value women. One look at a woman and I KNOW how much she will cost me.

   Why does Cheaters need a camera crew of 600?

   When I first saw you from across the room, I knew I wanted to spend the rest of my life avoiding you.

   No matter how much you shake & dance, the last few drop fall in your pants

   Oh, the things I do for love...like lie to the police concerning my whereabouts the night of August 4th...

   Just as I suspected! Monday suxs!!!!

   Do girls imagine themselves sucking in a invisible spaghetti when they're about to take a picture?

   Mary Jane is the only woman that won't complain when you hit her.

   WOW!! What a great dream!!! I'll never forget dreaming that me and ..um..um...um...Who was it?? Well, we um, um, um, um.....Oh crap!!!! Forgot it already!!

   Commercial time. I'll just flip through and see what else is on.......1 min later....What the HelI was I just watching??????

   Happy birthday to Sir Mix-A-Lot! People forget how persecuted big butts were before he wrote that song.

   Just saw that I have one unheard message and I didn't even see my phone ring. I hope it's not work-related or Mel Gibson!

   ..taking into account that Iron Man and Batman's super powers are being super rich and smart, makes me really disappointed with Bill Gates.

   .Been staring at this cardinal in my tree outside my window... If he don't get down in the next five minutes, I'm calling the f@#king church!

   What if cell phones are part of an elaborate plot to rid the world of phone booths so Superman has nowhere to change?

   If I owned a bar I would pour myself shots all the time, look in the mirror, wink and say "It's on the house."

   As of today, I've been married to my best friend for 10 amazing years. Love you, sweetie! Is she gone? OMG, you guys, I'm being smothered.

   I like to help my children think up cruel nicknames for the other kids at their school.

   Seeing how Iron Man and Batman are only really smart and super rich, I'm really disappointed with Bill Gates.

   I'd be the worst 911 Operator. "Uh ma'am I think you mean he was lying in a puddle of his own blood, not laying."