Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   The guy who plotted for 18 years to kill his wife, obviously could have done with a little help from his wife to plan that sh!t.

   Babe, you're my bucket list.

   Wouldn't be surprised if Whoopi Goldberg's ass hairs are also dreadlocked.

   It'd be so much easier if you ladies wore @nal beads as necklaces, that way we would know up front you like ass play.

   I can tell how much weight I need to lose by whether I get hit on by a white, Mexican or bl@ck guy.

   You complement someone on her sexy adams apple and suddenly you are deleted and blocked.

   Did you guys know that the little boy from Panic Room was Kristen Stewart? Mind? BLOWN.

   Ladies: if a man said he'll fix it, he will. There is no need to remind him every 6 months about it

   Hoping it's gonna be the kind of day when I take a book out a bookcase and it's a lever that revolves into a secret room.

   the economy is so bad, that hookers are now giving away toasters.

   he gets his morals from the men's room wall.

   B!tch please, life aint that short to have sex on the very first date.

   Curiosity killed the cat, but Satisfaction brought her back!

   THE EXPENDABLES = Retirement home for Action heroes

   Did you hear of the women vision of Hooter ? it is called Rooster

   Worst FB moment in your life... Friend request from your mom.

   My wife was banned from Disneyland for knocking Pinnochio down, sitting on his face and screaming "Lie to me!! Lie to me!"

   Alien 1: “Did the humans get our message?” Alien 2: “Yeah, but they named it dubstep and dance to it.”

   That awesome moment when you flip your pillow over to the cold side.

   Love doesn't need to be perfect, it just needs to be true.