Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   I am going to walk over and start shaving my b@lls at the cubicle of the next person that clips their nails at work.

   I thought instagram was a cocaine delivery service.

   That 3D ultrasound photo you posted is scaring the sh*t out of everyone.

   I've learned something. The bigger the girl, the bigger the att!tude.

   Facebook is in a relationship with the stock market and it's complicated.

   Advice from Aunt Fanny: #173 Remember, it's bad luck to be superstitious.

   "Swag", sounds like something that gathers between my nuts and anus.

   Before Drake started saying YOLO, did ya'll suckas think you could live twice or something??

   I organized a 3 some last night. There were a couple of no shows but I still had a good time.

   thinking of joining the Mortal Kombat tournament. I am pretty deadly with Hulk hands on.

   I could really, really use some shenanigans.

   My mother-in-law has to work for "Tips",,,,,,,,,, Yeah,, You see, Nobody will put the whole thing in....

   When he was my age, my father had three kids, owned two businesses and a house. I can't even pull that off in 'The Sims'.

   Helpful hint: You can park wherever you want if you put your hazard lights on and take your tire off.

   I do declare douchebaggery and shenanigans! Happy F-Off Friday

   Single bells, single bells,single all the way oh what fun it is to see couples fight all day hey!

   I violently vomit and get overwhelmed with suicidal thoughts whenever I read B EGO's sentimental crap.

   Are you gonna eat that... or just take pictures?

   I swear people who like temperatures in the 90s don't actually work for a living.

   And on the day that Pooh found out bacon tasted better than honey, we all knew Piglet's days were numbered.