Funny Status Messages and Tweets

Funny Status Messages for Facebook, Discord, and Whatsapp and funny tweets for Twitter.

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   messageicon Why can't 2 women play monopoly at the same time? Because There's only one iron
←Rate | 08-15-2012 14:14 Comments (1)  


   messageicon I really wish "Mayhem" from Allstate would eliminate "Flo" from Progressive!
←Rate | 08-15-2012 14:13 by totalpackage Comments (0)  


   messageicon Phrases i'll never understand... #71 - "You better hunker down if you want to finish on time." Seriously? Hunker Down???
←Rate | 08-15-2012 14:02 by Steve OH Comments (0)  


   messageicon Phrases i'll never understand... #72 - "Those two are in cahoots." WTH is cahoots and why does it take two???
←Rate | 08-15-2012 14:01 by Steve OH Comments (0)  


   messageicon As if my self esteem couldn't get any lower, when I got in the shower this morning, it laughed at me.
←Rate | 08-15-2012 11:25 by Mickey Comments (0)  


   messageicon Wednesday... As most of you call it Hump day, I like to call it the 3rd Monday of the week.
←Rate | 08-15-2012 08:08 Comments (0)  


   messageicon My new party trick.. I swallow two pieces of string and an hour later they come out of my ass tied together. I sh!t you knot.
←Rate | 08-15-2012 05:26 by Reznor Comments (0)  


   messageicon My wife got naked and asked me to "show her a good time" so I showed her photos of me and my friends before we got married.
←Rate | 08-15-2012 05:25 by Reznor Comments (0)  


   messageicon If I was a woman with a perfectly good v@gina and my man wanted @nal, I'd probably question his sexuality.
←Rate | 08-15-2012 05:22 Comments (0)  


   messageicon I would kill to see Rihanna go against Tyra Banks on a head butting contest
←Rate | 08-15-2012 05:21 by jrock Comments (0)  


   messageicon How many Feminists does it take to finish this joke without offending anyone?
←Rate | 08-15-2012 04:20 by snotty Comments (0)  


   messageicon You think Zelda would be a lot more "appreciative" of Link for saving her. The boy went through like 7 dungeons & caves, at least give him the sex he deserves.
←Rate | 08-15-2012 04:19 by Danmanz Comments (0)  


   messageicon there proper etiquette on how long you have to wait for your wife outside of a store before declaring her dead?
←Rate | 08-15-2012 04:18 by snotty Comments (0)  


   messageicon I'm one restraining order away from a free restraining order.
←Rate | 08-15-2012 04:17 by snotty Comments (0)  


   messageicon Never noticed this, but, if you rearrange the letters in 'marriage' it spells 'hahahahahahahahahahahahaha'.
←Rate | 08-15-2012 04:12 by snotty Comments (0)  


   messageicon I have a nagging feeling that I have a girlfriend.
←Rate | 08-15-2012 04:00 Comments (0)  


   messageicon “You'd know what chocolate you get if you read the map on the inside of the box lid you Friggin Idiot!”...-My Dad watching Forrest Gump
←Rate | 08-15-2012 03:45 by snotty Comments (0)  


   messageicon Trying to understand some people,,, Is like trying to pick up a turd by the clean end...
←Rate | 08-15-2012 03:43 by snotty Comments (0)  


   messageicon I love when you go to get a massage and they ask you where it hurts and you start crying cause it's your entire existence.
←Rate | 08-15-2012 03:39 Comments (0)  


   messageicon The only thing I'd like for you to say behind my back is "Do you like that?"
←Rate | 08-15-2012 03:38 Comments (0)  




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