Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   The world ain't ending on the 21st of december 2012, cuz Marty, Jennifer and Dr. Brown from Back To The Future II will be coming to this world on 15th of October 2015.

   Hey autocorrect, stop messing with my d@mn cur$e words. You m0ther forklift.

   So, Tom Morello with Rage Against the Machine hates capitalism even though, thanks to capitalism, he's worth 60 million????

   The problem with drinking and driving is that trees defend themselves very well.

   "Some of the worst mistakes of my life have been haircuts."

   There's no worse feeling than lying next to the person you love and they don't know you love them. Or that you're in their house again.

   If I do bring out the worst in you, why are you still here?

   You bound us together with your emotional handcuffs then swallowed the key. Now we're both waiting for it to come out the other end.

   I'll leave your religion alone when your religion teaches you to treat everyone equally.

   My walks on the beach usually end with me passing out on the beach

   Guys, when Adele goes "I heard that your dreams came true Guess she gave you things, I couldn't give to you" was it an@l? I bet it was an@l.

   If a fat lady gives me a donut, I consider it a sacrificial act on her part.

   I blame poor bus stop signage for at least half of my solicitation arrests.

   Man, pretending to care about a woman's feelings is hard work!!

   She lost her virginity in a high-stakes game of Just the Tip.

   It's really not THAT crazy, you're just giving him your number

   I do this thing where I suddenly become visible to people only when they need me.

   Two things: 1. There are no ugly girls. Everybody is beautiful in their own special way. 2. Just kidding.

   When I say I love you, I do it with the same amount of sincerity with which a celebrity claims he loves all his fans. Zero.

   Girls who don't want to go out with me have either read my jokes or have looked at me.