Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   THE EXPENDABLES = Retirement home for Action heroes

   Did you hear of the women vision of Hooter ? it is called Rooster

   Worst FB moment in your life... Friend request from your mom.

   My wife was banned from Disneyland for knocking Pinnochio down, sitting on his face and screaming "Lie to me!! Lie to me!"

   Alien 1: “Did the humans get our message?” Alien 2: “Yeah, but they named it dubstep and dance to it.”

   That awesome moment when you flip your pillow over to the cold side.

   Love doesn't need to be perfect, it just needs to be true.

   Wow! My political opinion just changed because of what you posted on Facebook” – said no one ever.

   Don't waste sweetness on someone that is bitter.

   I would love to agree with you, but there is no point in both of us being wrong.

   Obama just endorsed oxygen. Republicans immeditely starting holding their breath.

   I ran 3 miles after work today and stopped by Arby's and got me LARGE chedder cheese and roast beef samich and some fries . Take that Michelle .

   Stupid Nexium commercial : "You wouldn't want your doctor doing your job." Yes I would. I want anyone besides myself to have to do my job.

   Won 11 games of beer pong, and then I spent a half hour trying to get into the top bunk. Then I realized it was a cabinet in the bathroom.

   Government: Trickling Poverty up, so every one is Equal today......

   Ive been to many second hand stores in my day and never have I come across a rasberry beret

   They should make a reality TV show called, "Jersey Shore meets Shark Week"

   According to my sidebar ads, I am a fat lesbian who needs a new Honda.

   Where is a factory that makes bath salts? Someone should start it on fire and kick start the zombie apocalypse.

   Having a hell of a time getting my leg out of this blood pressure machine at Walmart