Funny Status Messages and Tweets
Funny Status Messages for Facebook, Discord, and Whatsapp and funny tweets for Twitter.
Page: 3307 of 6446

Ladies,,, How do I work my man boobs and get out of a ticket?.. Quick,, The lady patrol officer's coming..
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08-16-2012 20:06 by snotty
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Whoever has my voodoo doll out there ... please scratch between my shoulder blades.
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08-16-2012 19:48 by snotty
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Mark Zuckerburg's Facebook fortune dropped to a new low of 10.2 Billion today....How is he ever going to survive??
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08-16-2012 19:39 by K-Mac
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You can take one hell of a beating from an olive branch.
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08-16-2012 19:31 by Aaron
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When I said that you are like a stream of bat pi$$, I only mean that you shine out like a shaft of gold when all around it is darkness.

wait for it wait for it
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08-16-2012 19:17
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Excuse me, I just noticed you noticing me and I just wanted to give you notice that I noticed you too.
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08-16-2012 19:14
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There's a difference between leaving her unsatisfied and hungry for more.

There's few things more satisfying than putting eletrical tape over the sensors of automatic doors and watching people walk right into them.....muhahahahaha

Don't you just hate it when people say stuff in their status that you really didn't want to know? I hate that. Anyway, I gotta go poop
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08-16-2012 18:51
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When I visit a friend who greets me with "make yourself at home," I kick him out of the house because I hate visitors!

I think I sprayed too much Febreze on my dog... but my couch and living room carpet smells so dog gone good!

In yoga it's called the "downward dog" ... In the bedroom it's called "only because it's your birthday."

Did you hear about the guy who robbed the store with a pair of scissors? Well long story short, apparently bullet also beats scissors.

You can't fix stupid, but you can duct tape it!
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08-16-2012 18:36
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Ladies: Yes, peeing standing up is more difficult than peeing sitting down. Maybe YOU can learn to work the toilet seat. You're a big girl. If it's up, put it down. We need it up. You need it down. You don't hear us complaining when you leave it dow

Ladies: Don't ask us what we are thinking about unless you are prepared to talk about sports, food, or sex. Not in that particular order either.

They asked me at the hospital to be an organ donor. I didn't have one, but I left them my old guitar... hope it helps.
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08-16-2012 18:01
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I'm torn between having 'wish you were here' or 'look behind you' engraved on my headstone.
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08-16-2012 18:01 by Aaron
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Was it wrong to wear a "I love happy endings" t-shirt to massage envy?
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08-16-2012 17:30
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