Funny Status Messages and Tweets

Funny Status Messages for Facebook, Discord, and Whatsapp and funny tweets for Twitter.

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   messageicon Ladies,,, How do I work my man boobs and get out of a ticket?.. Quick,, The lady patrol officer's coming..
←Rate | 08-16-2012 20:06 by snotty Comments (0)  


   messageicon Whoever has my voodoo doll out there ... please scratch between my shoulder blades.
←Rate | 08-16-2012 19:48 by snotty Comments (0)  


   messageicon Mark Zuckerburg's Facebook fortune dropped to a new low of 10.2 Billion today....How is he ever going to survive??
←Rate | 08-16-2012 19:39 by K-Mac Comments (0)  


   messageicon You can take one hell of a beating from an olive branch.
←Rate | 08-16-2012 19:31 by Aaron Comments (0)  


   messageicon When I said that you are like a stream of bat pi$$, I only mean that you shine out like a shaft of gold when all around it is darkness.
←Rate | 08-16-2012 19:17 by eg: Mike Smith Comments (0)  


   messageicon wait for it wait for it
←Rate | 08-16-2012 19:17 Comments (0)  


   messageicon Excuse me, I just noticed you noticing me and I just wanted to give you notice that I noticed you too.
←Rate | 08-16-2012 19:14 Comments (0)  


   messageicon There's a difference between leaving her unsatisfied and hungry for more.
←Rate | 08-16-2012 19:08 by Marshall the Great Comments (0)  


   messageicon There's few things more satisfying than putting eletrical tape over the sensors of automatic doors and watching people walk right into them.....muhahahahaha
←Rate | 08-16-2012 18:54 by Marshall the Great Comments (2)  


   messageicon Don't you just hate it when people say stuff in their status that you really didn't want to know? I hate that. Anyway, I gotta go poop
←Rate | 08-16-2012 18:51 Comments (0)  


   messageicon When I visit a friend who greets me with "make yourself at home," I kick him out of the house because I hate visitors!
←Rate | 08-16-2012 18:47 by Marshall the Great Comments (1)  


   messageicon I think I sprayed too much Febreze on my dog... but my couch and living room carpet smells so dog gone good!
←Rate | 08-16-2012 18:46 by Marshall the Great Comments (0)  


   messageicon In yoga it's called the "downward dog" ... In the bedroom it's called "only because it's your birthday."
←Rate | 08-16-2012 18:44 by Marshall the Great Comments (0)  


   messageicon Did you hear about the guy who robbed the store with a pair of scissors? Well long story short, apparently bullet also beats scissors.
←Rate | 08-16-2012 18:41 by Marshall the Great Comments (0)  


   messageicon You can't fix stupid, but you can duct tape it!
←Rate | 08-16-2012 18:36 Comments (1)  


   messageicon Ladies: Yes, peeing standing up is more difficult than peeing sitting down. Maybe YOU can learn to work the toilet seat. You're a big girl. If it's up, put it down. We need it up. You need it down. You don't hear us complaining when you leave it dow
←Rate | 08-16-2012 18:20 by Marshall the Great Comments (0)  


   messageicon Ladies: Don't ask us what we are thinking about unless you are prepared to talk about sports, food, or sex. Not in that particular order either.
←Rate | 08-16-2012 18:12 by Marshall the Great Comments (0)  


   messageicon They asked me at the hospital to be an organ donor. I didn't have one, but I left them my old guitar... hope it helps.
←Rate | 08-16-2012 18:01 Comments (0)  


   messageicon I'm torn between having 'wish you were here' or 'look behind you' engraved on my headstone.
←Rate | 08-16-2012 18:01 by Aaron Comments (0)  


   messageicon Was it wrong to wear a "I love happy endings" t-shirt to massage envy?
←Rate | 08-16-2012 17:30 Comments (0)  




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