Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Where do residents of Hawaii win all expenses paid vacations to?

   I had a dream about a planet run by orphans who sing a song filled with unintelligible lyrics and had authority figures with voices that blared like brass. Then I woke up and A Charlie Brown Christmas was on.

   This one time, in 2009, I put my phone down for almost 8 minutes.

   I like going in for a Vasectomy and then backing out at the last second just so someone else can shave my junk.

   My wife is out of town for the weekend... I've already slid across the floor in my socks and underwear...... Now what?

   If you ever want to see my impression of one of those inflatable tube guys that car dealerships use,,,, throw a spider down the back of my shirt

   Spent a week on a dating website. Apparently “LOL” is the new “I'm too stupid to have real thoughts…”

   If you watch cinderella backwards its about a woman getting put in her place.

   Just how bad do you have to be for someone NOT to remember having sex with you?

   I was going to pirate and record the Expendables 2, movie, but I fear Chhhhhuuuccckkk Norrrris was there

   BREAKING NEWS: Wal-Mart is now selling Justin Bieber CDs in the Garden Center. Right next to the Pansies.

   Show me a poor person who doesn't want to be rich and I'll show you a liar…

   setting my timer to see how fast this weekend goes by

   Why dont you ever see people standing on corners holding homeless signs when its raining out.....Cause them muther fckers are at home

   I'm not worried about my babies or worried about my wife,, I'm just a little bit worried about not ending up with all of that in my life!!

   Fat girls are gross, there is nothing sexy about being unhealthy. Stop calling yourself curvy and go for a jog.

   I walked on to the bar patio and these two hot women started applauding me! or maybe they were just packing their cigarettes?? Naa I'm going with applause Either way it totally made my night!! rj

   Do people still leave voice mails?

   I thought the term "chillaxin" meant chilling at home with laxatives. Looks like it's going to be a long night.

   "I love it when you rub your happiness in my face & facebook" said no one ever.