Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   I'm single by choice. Not MY choice. But it's still a choice

   How are there 45 shows about storage units and 23 about pawn shops and not a single show about women doing yoga?

   Not enough rap songs out there stressing the importance of eating carbs before drinking champagne. So you can remember that h0e.

   You know its going to be a bad week for the GOP when skinny dipping while drunk at a holy site isn't your party's biggest scandal.

   Over the hill . . . is better than under it

   My obsessive compulsive disorders bring boys to the yard. In alphabetical order

   I will no longer use Facebook as a vehicle for being a wise ass.I will use it to uplift,edify and educate,as it was intended.

   When they cut up carrots for frozen mixed vegetables,they get all these perfect squares.What do they do with the curved part?I spent the better part of a night trying to reconstruct one from the bag and there were no pointy ends either.

   if you don't like the way you were born, then try being born again

   I think my yogurt went bad. I just saw it in the parking lot leaning against a Camaro & smoking a cigarette.

   If any woman says "I love you" to me for the first time, then I have the right to say "Do you have evidence to support that statement?"

   I was so excited when I learned that Rosie O'Donnell had a Heart Attack...then I found out she was still alive.

   Your relationship ended. Not your life -_-

   Might have to break down and start wearing condoms. My crabs were just diagnosed with herpes.

   Being single is nice because I don't have to repeat my mumbled gibberish in a defensive tone.

   Am I the only one that didn't know that Phyllis Diller was alive up to about an hour ago???

   Let me put things into perspective for you....persp(things)ective....​you're welcome!

   If you didn't get caught, did you really do it?

   You know its going to be a bad week when skinny dipping while drunk at a holy site isn't your party's biggest scandal.

   Following someone on Twitter and complaining about what they tweet about is like phoning someone to tell them you don't want to talk to them