Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   If a fat lady gives me a donut, I consider it a sacrificial act on her part.

   I blame poor bus stop signage for at least half of my solicitation arrests.

   Man, pretending to care about a woman's feelings is hard work!!

   She lost her virginity in a high-stakes game of Just the Tip.

   It's really not THAT crazy, you're just giving him your number

   I do this thing where I suddenly become visible to people only when they need me.

   Two things: 1. There are no ugly girls. Everybody is beautiful in their own special way. 2. Just kidding.

   When I say I love you, I do it with the same amount of sincerity with which a celebrity claims he loves all his fans. Zero.

   Girls who don't want to go out with me have either read my jokes or have looked at me.

   Body Shots: There's a slut for that.

   What do you get if you cross a dog, a mini skirt & crotchless pants? I know I'd get an erection & it's a safe bet the dog's getting it too.

   Girls are so cute when they think that those fake eye lashes don't make them look like complete idiots

   my mother always told me , believe none of what yah hear, and only half of what yah see

   I've seen squirrels having seizures with more brains than you

   Slut? Weeeeell, let's just say she's had more d1ck ends than weekends.

   Some women say that giving birth is the single most painful experience one could ever endure.... I just going to assume they have never stepped on a lego in the middle of the night on the way to the bathroom.

   Your as useless as a snow blower in August!!

   Nothing quite like a good episode of COPS to make you feel better about yourself.

   It's great that they're searching for Amelia Earhart again,, But I think we've got to brace these people,, there's a good chace she's not alive

   I have done literally nothing in my life to prevent forest fires.