Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   I want to make a puzzle that says "Get a job" after its completed.

   I remember the day I used to be so proud of my son. Now look at him.

   deep in the forest theres a metal box that controls most forest settings. toggle birds, set default leaf size, select season, squirrel ratio

   Ladies, holding out on sex with your man to get what you want will not work. He will just take longer showers.

   Capitalism: work hard, become rich like rommney. Or sit at home and be a poor loser

   Be with a guy that ruins your lipstick, not your mascara

   The fastest way to fix that annoying noise in your car, is to just open the door..... And push her the f out.

   it just me or do country line dancers look like redneck zombies??

   I've got the moves like jagger! Just kidding, I dance like a retarded penguin.

   Last night me and my girlfriend watched three DVDs back to back. Luckily I was the one facing the telly.

   "My phone's about to die." -Me, 30 seconds into every phone call ....

   To the additional pot that was on the stove after I thought I was done washing the dishes, I hate your stinkin' guts.

   Congratulations to Iggy Pop who has managed to find a way to look great for his age and terrible for his age at the same time.

   It's cool when a band smashes their equipment after their last song. It'd be even cooler if Creed did it before their first song.

   I'm starting to believe that most people wouldn't be that much different if they were turned into actual zombies....

   If you can't be there for her tears, then don't expect to be around when other parts of her start gushing either...

   Google is my spellchecker.

   Religion is the greatest hate crime ever perpetrated by one man upon another.

   Everyone is addicted to something that takes away the pain.

   Oh, happy day! This week, Hollywood will be celebrating the 25th anniversary of the release of "Dirty Dancing". Pardon me while I vomit.