Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   HEY,,,, Don't complain to me about "how hard life is out there",,, When I was your age,,, they only had three types of salad dressing,,,,,,,THREE......

   Actually,,, The quickest way to fix that annoying noise in your car is,,,,,, Just open the door and push her out.

   I'm single by choice. Not MY choice, but it's still a choice.

   Girl: "Go on, don't be shy and ask me out." Boy: "Ok, get out."

   Pissing people off since 1989....And getting better at it everyday !!!

   Behind every good time ...there is alwayz a crime.

   I grew up in a tough neighborhood. Frequently, the green berets would pick on me. People call them Girl Scouts, but whatever...

   My wrist injury is better now that Olympics women's beach volley is over.

   The way kids are these days it won't be long till MTV has a show called tween mom.

   The world ain't ending on the 21st of december 2012, cuz Marty, Jennifer and Dr. Brown from Back To The Future II will be coming to this world on 15th of October 2015.

   Hey autocorrect, stop messing with my d@mn cur$e words. You m0ther forklift.

   So, Tom Morello with Rage Against the Machine hates capitalism even though, thanks to capitalism, he's worth 60 million????

   The problem with drinking and driving is that trees defend themselves very well.

   "Some of the worst mistakes of my life have been haircuts."

   There's no worse feeling than lying next to the person you love and they don't know you love them. Or that you're in their house again.

   If I do bring out the worst in you, why are you still here?

   You bound us together with your emotional handcuffs then swallowed the key. Now we're both waiting for it to come out the other end.

   I'll leave your religion alone when your religion teaches you to treat everyone equally.

   My walks on the beach usually end with me passing out on the beach

   Guys, when Adele goes "I heard that your dreams came true Guess she gave you things, I couldn't give to you" was it an@l? I bet it was an@l.