santa AND presents AND christmas AND xmas AND holidays AND elfs Funny Status Messages

   On Christmas my brothers and sisters come over with all their ADHD kids, they all really love my Amphetamine Apple Pie!

   Christmas sure does smell a lot like weed.

   Holidays are way too commercialized now a days. Please keep in mind the true meaning of Christmas while and your loved ones put up Christmas lights that are currently 75% off at Walmart!!

   Ah, come on! It's Christmas Eve! I could be home right now, drinking this *monster* eggnog my brother makes with lighter fluid.

   Twas the morning before Christmas & all across Facebook, friends awake, houses aglitter. Coffee in hand pondering this day & the things that matter.....

   The way my kids freak out on Christmas morning, that's the way I feel right before I open my breakfast beer!

   I really hope that I don't get another sweater for Christmas. I'd much prefer a moaner or a screamer.

   Christmas is a race to seewhich gives out first your money or your feet. 

   Why is Christmas just like a day at the office? You do all the work and the fat guy with the suit gets all the credit.

   Are you all done with your Christmas shopping? I bought a lot more people gifts this year than I thought I did. You know why? I used my credit card at Target.

   I will be your Santa if you'll be my hoe hoe hoe!!!

   Me putting up with you is your Christmas present

   The average age of the viewing audience of "A Charlie Brown Christmas" is probably 35-45 years old.

   I drove by a house today that had about 15 of those inflatable Christmas lawn decorations. In the daytime it looks like there was a drive by shooting in the North Pole and there were no survivors.

   You know it was a good christmas party when the next morning you wake up with tinsel in your ass.

   I don't know why Coca-Cola and Pepsi are fighting over what Santa drinks, everybody knows that big fat belly can only come from beer.

   Memo from Santa: Due to the rising cost of coal, this year people on the naughty list will be receiving Nickelback CDs.

   I went to Jared for my girlfriend's Christmas gift. I'm sure she will love her Subway gift card.

   'twas the night before Christmas and all through the house, everyone was screaming... Just cuz I went into the wrong house

   Setting here wrapping presents with one hand. If someone finds a band aid in theirs Don't touch it, I'm still waiting on them test results.