Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   I'm not saying she is a slut, but she has been on more wieners than heinz ketchup

   fall in love with a person for their brains and not their looks. Eh, save that sh!t for ugly people

   I don't feel so bad about not having an up to date phone. I just saw a woman jogging past my house carrying a Walkman.

   Can someone help me, I can't remember,,, Did Sarah Jessica Parker get an Oscar for seabiscuit?

   Home from a long day so please don't call or text me. Gonna combine my favorite things... Yep, I'll be Napping Off.

   heard someone say there is a .45 cent concert going to be held this weekend on national tv...it will be 50 cent, featuring Nickleback.....

   I'm in one of those weird marriages where we still have sex every day.. With each other!

   I hate vans. Nothing good ever comes out of them. Kidnappers... Terrorists... Soccer moms.

   Erectile Dysfunction isn't my problem... It's the Erectile Rejection that's a b!tch.

   My wife is upset, apparently I'm breathing wrong again.

   If I just cleaned the floor I'm watching your steps like you're gonna steal something.

   make sure you spell Harry correct and don't leave out the word "Prince" in your search for Harry Nude pictures....

   Pretty sure I know what my GF is getting me for Christmas. When I guessed, "a threesome?" she got all angry like I'd ruined the surprise.

   Lost a couple FB friends overnight. Hopefully they just died and it wasn't something I said...

   They should make a show like cash cab called Cats Cab where people get into a taxi and a cat is driving and all these flashing lights go off, but instead of answering questions everyone dies because cats can't drive.

   It is said that the first step to solving the problem of an addict!on is the verbal admission of the issue itself. Okay then: I love n@ked women.

   Wow. The Republican Party can't even attract a female hurricane.

   Ready for Hurricane Isaac!! All the tape and plywood making driving tricky tho'!!

   Somebody needs to invent an alarm clock that releases the smell of bacon.

   You can tell yourself that Sesame Street is educational but Cookie Monster has lived there for like 40 years and still can't conjugate verbs.