Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Being single is nice because I don't have to repeat my mumbled gibberish in a defensive tone.

   Am I the only one that didn't know that Phyllis Diller was alive up to about an hour ago???

   Let me put things into perspective for you....persp(things)ective....​you're welcome!

   If you didn't get caught, did you really do it?

   You know its going to be a bad week when skinny dipping while drunk at a holy site isn't your party's biggest scandal.

   Following someone on Twitter and complaining about what they tweet about is like phoning someone to tell them you don't want to talk to them

   Or your a photographer now.. Where'd you go Instagram University?

   Hoping to see some eyes come peepin around the camera's lens on Curiosity. Or at least a gnarled 3 fingered claw....

   I have my hesitations about Paradise City if the first thing you brag about is the color of the grass

   Heard they let some women into that fancy Augusta golf course. There is no shame in that. This is America, nobody likes a sausagefest.

   don't go broke trying to look rich... act your 'wage'

   I have plenty of talent and vision. I just don't give a damn!

   Sometimes when I am filling up my car with gas, I like to take the antenna off the car challenge the person at the next pump over to a f@#king sword fight.

   Dear guy who sends batman messages using the sky light signal, it's 2012 just send him a text

   I just met the woman of my wet dreams...

   Everything about you is sweet and kind and perfect. I can help you change that.

   Do I look like Christopher Columbus to you? Am I guiding a ship to a new land? So, when I ask for directions, don't hit me with words like "northwest", "southeast"

   If I ever get deathly ill, please don't send prayers. Send doctors.

   Remember how simple and happy life was before you met me? Yeah…I am sorry about that.

   Great...now everybody is a damn food photographer. Hope this fad dies out quicker than Planking.