Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   When I text someone in the same room as me, I stare at them until they get it...

   Hey Tiffany, Hurricane Isaac is gonna hit the Gulf Coast. no where near the West coast.... got back to high school...

   gonna take the Christmas lights down...

   Sorry... my powers can only be used for good.

   "Lisa from down the street just showed me a picture of her new baby on her phone." I said to my wife. "That's great" she beamed, "So what did she have?" I said, "One of those Blackberry Curves I think..."

   Science Fact: If you took all the veins from your body and laid them end to end, you would die

   We couldn't afford to go to "SeaWorld",, So I took the kids to the fish market,, and it went like this.. Kids: Dad,, why aren't the fish moving? Me: Shhh,,,, the fish are sleeping.. Kids: But,,They're breaded ?Me: that's their blankie..

   Trying 2 improve my self image, so I placed a note on my mirror that reads "objects are smaller than they appear."

   I always carry a jellyfish in case I need to pee on someone.

   Which part of New Orleans was the first to surrender to the Hurricane Isaac flood waters? The French Quarter.

   Hurricane Isaac . Just like Obama, promises so much, but when it's time to get down and dirty, fails to deliver.

   The East Nile virus is apparently not as deadly or notorious?

   what does hurricane Isaac and Kim Kardashian have in common? They'll both blow anything on the west coast just to get on tv...

   I think the USADA is on a power trip. They have now banned Lance Armstrong from eating French Toast.

   Meteorology: The Exact Science Of Guesswork

   This "friend" on FB keeps posting pics of herself and her boyfriend making out. Can someone here provide me with an alibi for tomorrow night?

   I was texting on phone with my mom. She asked me if the weather was really bad. I typed, "Nah", but autocorrect spelled: 'Nag'. Now she won't take my calls.

   Hey Pringles, it's time to widen the can. Your core demographic isn't exactly thin-wristed.

   We're probably missing out on a lot of good candy by stereotyping creepy people who have white vans with tinted windows who give free candy.

   I Didn't Know I Was Pregnant could also be called I Didn't Realize I Was Retarded.