Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   If your spouse ever asks you what you think your marriage needs, "more cowbell" isn't the right answer.

   I was so happy when I lost my virginity cause I was no longer eligible to be in any of those sacrifices I signed up for as a dare.

   I like to name my bottles of wine. That one is Happiness... that one is Horniness... and that one is Empty.

   Sometimes I wonder, "Why is that Frisbee getting bigger?" Then it hits me.

   Holly Christ!! I'm as high as whoever wrote the Bible.

   You know that scene in 8 Mile where Eminem disses himself so the other guy has nothing to rap about? That's basically my only plan in life.

   I think I must be a closet obama lover because... My girl says I can never do anything right.

   After Labor Day, it's no longer fashionable to wear white, so I'm spending today in a $12,000 Vera Wang Wedding Gown.

   somewhere two dudes just ordered mochas from Starbucks and are calling them "brochas" and high fiving

   If someone throws a stone at you, be nice and throw a flower at them........ but remember to throw the flower pot with it!!!!!!!

   If your significant other doesn't know every last bit disgusting detail about what a gross human being you are then they don't know you that well.

   I understand if you aren't religious, I respect that. But you don't have to get all rude when I ask to use your first born as a sacrifice.

   Anger occasionally makes me have a sh!tty day. Love occasionally makes me have a sh!tty 3 years.

   When the zombie apocalypse happens, I'm going to blast Michael Jackson's "Thriller", while the zombies chase us, just to lighten the mood.

   Think a female friend has downgraded me from the 'Friend Zone' to the 'That-Guy-I-Used-to-Tell-My-Problems-to-When-I-Needed-Attention Area'

   I found a few ways to use feminism to my own benefit -- mostly to remain lazy and disgusting.

   A mosh pit at a Star Wars concert is basically just nerds bumping into each other and apologizing.

   All I'm saying is: If you're already gonna be late for work you might as well walk into the office tangled up in a hammock.

   We all just sat there and watched as Pepe Le Pew tried to rape that cat. Shame on us.

   If more people knew what guys did with socks they'd stop giving them to their dad as gifts.