Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Does anyone really believe this thing with the Mayan calendar? If you do it's OK but if you don't, it's not the end of the world.

   I saw a chameleon today. I guess it was a pretty crappy chameleon.

   What idiot driver on the freeway next to me this morning was trying to floss while driving, he was swerving all over the place. The jerk nearly made me drop my newspaper and my phone!!!

   Shockingly Pitbull's first name isn't Feat.

   Instead of bombing terrorist we should just make them watch The Twilight Movies and listen to Justin Bierber's music..

   ''Holy sh!t! Is this my mother?'' - Snooki's baby

   On the battlefield of life, my weapon of choice is intelligence.

   Me and my flat-chested wife went to see a marriage counsellor. The counsellor said, "What seems to be the problem?" "Well", I said, "Dolly Parton here thinks I'm too sarcastic"

   I hate it when I buy a bag of air and there are chips in it.

   When is decency going to be cool again?

   Apple is suing the family of Sir Isaac Newton on the grounds he had no right using the apple to prove the theory of gravity

   One thing you always pay full price for is other peoples mistakes...

   If I can punch you without moving my feet, you're in my personal space.

   People's Bull$hit and fakeness are the main reasons why I like to be alone at times!!!

   early predictions have hurricane Isaac causing $50 million in improvements to New Orleans...

   I'm actually a really nice guy once you get to blow me.

   The wife's only listening to you outside the bathroom door to make sure you're not touching the decorative hand towels

   I hate when I ask my wife 'Am I looking Handsome?' and she remembers a joke which she heard earlier and laugh way too hard to even answer me

   When Karma come back to punch you in the face, I wanna be there.... Just incase it needs help!

   I just figured out my taxes & I have to pay.. But I have to do my part.. Otherwise some guy who paid no taxes in the 1st place wouldn't get a refund.