Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Some people should use a glue stick instead of a chap stick

   Scientists at the Department of Microbiology Research are studying over 300 types of virus and bacteria. Or as they refer to her, "Mary the African prostitite"

   You know what I'd really like from a woman? Consent.

   I woke up this morning to the sound of crickets outside. Then I quickly realised, it was the wife lying next to me with her legs open.

   If winning was easy, losers would do it.

   ever danced with the devil in the pail of moon light ?

   I seen the most awesome black colored horse the other day. If she was mine, I'd call her ShaNeighNeigh ツ

   There is nothing worse than a broke ass high maintenance woman.

   I don't have ADHD. I have ADOLS. Attention deficit..OH LOOK! Skittles!

   it is LITERALLY impossible to tell if a Skrillex track is skipping

   I had a dream last night that I met Skrillex and I told him NOT to star in the remake of "The Crow", that it would ruin Brandon Lee's legacy. He agreed.

   I'm emotionally unavailable and sexually unobtainable... When I'm sober.

   ♫♪♫ To the left, to the left. Laying on my side brings my nuts to the left ♫♪♫

   Don't drink to drown your sorrow. Sorrow knows how to swim.

   I hate when couples say "we're expecting a baby." Like, what the else were you expecting to grow inside you?!

   I shaved my right leg, just to feel i'm sleeping next to you :) j.G

   Look ma, no meds!

   Ever notice it's only "stalking" if the person doing the stalking is unattractive.

   Old songs = Best memories

   Bird took a dump on my car. So I waited until it left the nest and.... Oh man. You should have seen how confused the bird was...