Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   People posting... "Damn it's September already?" What TF you thought came after August?! August Jr?

   It would be funny if in the last episode of How I Met Your Mother, Old Ted tells his kids "I'm just kidding, I never met your mother. You're adopted.

   getting tired of waiting for Snow to follow up Informer

   So I won a contest. The prize was a year supply of calenders.

   RIP-Michael Clark Duncan. You've walked the last "Green mile".

   Today is one of the few days of the year I can pretend to be a Kardashian (do nothing and get paid for it).

   I guess being a rich candidate became an issue sometime after the Kerry/Edwards campaign…

   Every time I hang out with my old roommate from college, we get drunk. I think he may have a drinking problem…

   I got 99 problems but an awesome right hand ain't one of them...

   Alcohol. Because no good story starts with, “This one time I ate a salad…”

   My girlfriend calls it selective hearing. I prefer to call it drama filtering.

   After visiting a nursing home I always come home and pray I'm eaten by bears...

   Anyone that uses the word yolo I hope gets aid and herpes and dies a slow painful death

   I have over 500 FB friends but only 6 actual friends. And, I don't even like 2 of them…

   "Hey baby, do you smell that?" "No." "Me neither, start cooking."

   Guys with unibrows, you may think it's unmanly to pluck that sh!t, but it's far more unmanly to never get laid.

   When I visit a friend who greets me with "make yourself at home", I kick him out of the house because I hate visitors.

   To all the pregnant women out there, this is your day. Happy Labor Day!

   I like long walks on hot coals and picnics in the ghetto because I'm a thrill seeker.

   Treat her like a lady and she'll show you her inner slut.