Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   when I'm good, I'm great.  When I'm naughty, the neighbors need a cigarette!!!

   Today I saw a guy on a motorbike wipe out. Thank goodness I was there... or I wouldn't have been able to steal his wallet.

   Listen, calling people names says a lot more about you than it does about them you idiot.

   Whats with this SONG POP thing everyone is doing and what does it taste like???

   Hey girly, how about you don't tell me how much beer I should drink, & I won't tell you how much makeup you should wear.

   The best part of marriage is divorce.

   I got a Justin Bieber song stuck in my head and now I'm a lesbian

   My wife is so hot, I really hope I get to have sex with her someday

   If your spouse ever asks you what you think your marriage needs, "more cowbell" isn't the right answer.

   I was so happy when I lost my virginity cause I was no longer eligible to be in any of those sacrifices I signed up for as a dare.

   I like to name my bottles of wine. That one is Happiness... that one is Horniness... and that one is Empty.

   Sometimes I wonder, "Why is that Frisbee getting bigger?" Then it hits me.

   Holly Christ!! I'm as high as whoever wrote the Bible.

   You know that scene in 8 Mile where Eminem disses himself so the other guy has nothing to rap about? That's basically my only plan in life.

   I think I must be a closet obama lover because... My girl says I can never do anything right.

   After Labor Day, it's no longer fashionable to wear white, so I'm spending today in a $12,000 Vera Wang Wedding Gown.

   somewhere two dudes just ordered mochas from Starbucks and are calling them "brochas" and high fiving

   If someone throws a stone at you, be nice and throw a flower at them........ but remember to throw the flower pot with it!!!!!!!

   If your significant other doesn't know every last bit disgusting detail about what a gross human being you are then they don't know you that well.

   I understand if you aren't religious, I respect that. But you don't have to get all rude when I ask to use your first born as a sacrifice.