Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   1..2..3.. SMILE! "...... "did you take it yet?" "crap its on video!"

   Warning to my friends who don't eat sweet and fatty foods, don't drink coffee, don't stay up late: One of these days you'll lose friends. Everyone's dead except you

   I know a kid named Jay, but we call him J for short.

   When he asks for a threesome with you and your best friend, he is only joking... Unless the answer is yes... In which case, can he videotape it?

   She left the toilet seat up. I found the perfect woman... I hope

   women are like groceries....the really heavy ones should be double-bagged

   My wife walked in the living room and asked what was on the TV and I said dust…

   I want to get a racehorse named "my face" just so I can hear people shouting "come on my face!"

   I don't give a crap...I am voting for Romney just cuz Paul Ryan looks like "Doug" from The Hangover!!

   There are times when I miss you so bad, that I wish I could remember where I hid your body.

   you should only be able to change your relationship status once every 30 days!

   In the absence of peace & love, we teach war & hate as an escape from the problems we are too lazy to solve.

   To-Do List : Nothing [✓]

   These days: Smart Phones, Stupid People

   Why do banks attach chains to their pens? If I'm trusting you with my money, you should trust me with your pens.

   The guy who discovered milk….What was he doing with that cow?

   I wish Living Social had deals on health insurance

   I asked some guy for directions this morning and he said, "Go to the corner and take a right. It's about six miles, depending on how fast you're going".

   What happens on Facebook stays on Facebook, forever!!!

   I have a v@gina. I don't have to make sense.