Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Just brushing my teeth & putting on deodorant when out of nowhere I hear, "You're going to have to pay for that!" This Wal-Mart sucks.

   I'm on that new diet where you eat everything and hope for a miracle.!!!

   They say you should keep your friends close, but your enemies even closer. So I'm getting married next week.

   Sorry for my bluntness, that's just how I roll.

   You know it's good sex when the neighbors call the police and a priest.

   Quick question, ladies: If you shave your eyebrows off and then draw them back on, then what are you actually doing?

   when I'm good, I'm great.  When I'm naughty, the neighbors need a cigarette!!!

   Today I saw a guy on a motorbike wipe out. Thank goodness I was there... or I wouldn't have been able to steal his wallet.

   Listen, calling people names says a lot more about you than it does about them you idiot.

   Whats with this SONG POP thing everyone is doing and what does it taste like???

   Hey girly, how about you don't tell me how much beer I should drink, & I won't tell you how much makeup you should wear.

   The best part of marriage is divorce.

   I got a Justin Bieber song stuck in my head and now I'm a lesbian

   My wife is so hot, I really hope I get to have sex with her someday

   If your spouse ever asks you what you think your marriage needs, "more cowbell" isn't the right answer.

   I was so happy when I lost my virginity cause I was no longer eligible to be in any of those sacrifices I signed up for as a dare.

   I like to name my bottles of wine. That one is Happiness... that one is Horniness... and that one is Empty.

   Sometimes I wonder, "Why is that Frisbee getting bigger?" Then it hits me.

   Holly Christ!! I'm as high as whoever wrote the Bible.

   You know that scene in 8 Mile where Eminem disses himself so the other guy has nothing to rap about? That's basically my only plan in life.