Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   I got recognized once. It was at my friend's house. He was all, "Hey, you really should call first." So cool.

   On the weekends, I'm a Cupcake War reenactor.

   I am better off now than I was 4 beers ago...

   I wonder how many identical twins are walking around now with the wrong names because their parents got them confused as infants and never figured it out.

   those Walgreens shots...not what I expected...

   I think I hear an aftermarket muffler... I guess that means my pizza is here.

   My left buttcheek fell asleep. I'm Half-assing everything I do for the next ten minutes.

   When your boss says to make your dreams come true, he probably doesn't mean the one where you push him down the stairs.

   No, you can't sit there - I'm saving that seat in case someone hotter than you comes along.

   Your water broke? Do I look like an idiot? You can't "break" water...get back to work.

   Relationships are all about finding someone that hates your parents as much as you do.

   I'm an optimist. To me, the glass is always half alcohol.

   How to win his love: 1. hold your own hair. 2. tell him he's big. 3. make him laugh at you. 4. be quiet.

   My daughter asked me to help her with her math homework so I had to sit her down and explain that breast implants are way easier than math.

   I caught myself whistling the Unsolved Mysteries theme while hiding a body.

   Sometimes I feel like I respect spiders just because women hate them.

   I wonder if the people who live above me will let me come up and pet their elephants...

   I would rather cuddle then have sex. If you are good with grammar you will get it.

   The best curve on a woman is her smile :) ...Hahahaha lmao! No I'm kidding, it's her boobs.

   Today 9/6 marks the end of my 7 years of bad luck for breaking a mirror. just like this one here......oops, Oh crap, not again.