Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   wake me up when September ends

   ❒ Single ❒ Taken ✔ The NFL is back!!!!!!

   20 Years ago today, me and my wife got married.. And yes you can get less for murder

   She said I was never "romantic". I said just two words. "Morning. Wood."

   I really think that Caller ID needs to be more detailed. It should say things like "Wants help moving" or "Will whine about bad relationship."

   I think its unfair that men and women are not treated equally...It just seems wrong that women can show a lil boobie and get out of a speeding ticket but when I show a lil ball I get arrested...It just aint right

   I swear that the restaurant I just left has a barber shop in the kitchen. Hair in food is better than saliva...no send backs.

   What a difference four years makes. Last time the theme was “Hope and change.” This year the theme is “Hope you don't make a change.”

   All these Parents today uploading Back To School Day photos of their precios kids are basically saying "Hey! Look what I Made!!" Get over yourself, you're ugly and so is your kid... Now smile, you douche!!

   Be yourself, you already have the costume.

   A homeless guy asked me for money today and I thought, sure, he's prolly just gonna spend it on booze and cigarettes. Then I remembered, thats what I was gonna do, so we walked to the store together ツ

   if I had a nickel for every girl I slept with, I'd have...like...some nickels...

   My nickname for my mother was Hannibal Lecture.

   Pictures of rich missing kids should go on the back of 1% milk.

   I put little notes in my kids' lunch bags so their friends will mock them ruthlessly.

   I would like to thank my boss for the job that gives me health insurance that covers my anxiety medication that I need to take because of this job.

   "It wasn't always easy growing up. Sometimes we had to wait .04 seconds for 9 million Google results to load." - 2044 Presidential candidate

   I'm one of those Dads that tells his son to push back when he's been pushed.

   It is unfair that girls mature faster than boys. Girls get their boobs at 13,, and men get their boobs when they're in their 40's

   Throwing ice at people because they need to chill...