Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   My dentist said that bacon and soda works the same as toothpaste. Friends have said she prolly meant baking soda....but I disagree. :)

   love The beauty of vodka is that it looks like water. The beauty of the workplace is that water bottles are allowed

   I sing in the shower. I think I sound pretty good. The other people in the gym don't agree

   This morning I got in touch with my inner self. And that's also the last time I'll buy cheap toilet paper...

   Worst thing about strip clubs is the women totally hog the poles. Maybe I'm really good! At least give me a turn.

   I got recognized once. It was at my friend's house. He was all, "Hey, you really should call first." So cool.

   On the weekends, I'm a Cupcake War reenactor.

   I am better off now than I was 4 beers ago...

   I wonder how many identical twins are walking around now with the wrong names because their parents got them confused as infants and never figured it out.

   those Walgreens shots...not what I expected...

   I think I hear an aftermarket muffler... I guess that means my pizza is here.

   My left buttcheek fell asleep. I'm Half-assing everything I do for the next ten minutes.

   When your boss says to make your dreams come true, he probably doesn't mean the one where you push him down the stairs.

   No, you can't sit there - I'm saving that seat in case someone hotter than you comes along.

   Your water broke? Do I look like an idiot? You can't "break" water...get back to work.

   Relationships are all about finding someone that hates your parents as much as you do.

   I'm an optimist. To me, the glass is always half alcohol.

   How to win his love: 1. hold your own hair. 2. tell him he's big. 3. make him laugh at you. 4. be quiet.

   My daughter asked me to help her with her math homework so I had to sit her down and explain that breast implants are way easier than math.

   I caught myself whistling the Unsolved Mysteries theme while hiding a body.