Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   I am at DEFCON 5. My espresson machine has died..........

   Lance, Neil and now, Billie Joe!! Watch out Stretch!!!

   Picking a wedding reception venue is a lot like picking a college - I'm looking for a good place to drink, hang out with my friends and get laid

   If I stop my car so you can walk across the street, I better see some hustle out of you! Knees to chest "saggy pants", KNEES TO CHEST!

   People are made to be loved and things are made to be used. The confusion of this world is that people are used and things are loved.

   Most Paralympic competitors get involved in their sport by accident.

   Me and my friends were once in a band called 'Pubic Hair.' We were big in the 70's.

   My girlfriend can't wrestle, but you should see her box.

   Facebook: Making relationship's look better then they actually are since 2005

   If I had a nickel for every time I banged your mom I could afford to bang her again today.

   People posting... "Damn it's September already?" What TF you thought came after August?! August Jr?

   It would be funny if in the last episode of How I Met Your Mother, Old Ted tells his kids "I'm just kidding, I never met your mother. You're adopted.

   getting tired of waiting for Snow to follow up Informer

   So I won a contest. The prize was a year supply of calenders.

   RIP-Michael Clark Duncan. You've walked the last "Green mile".

   Today is one of the few days of the year I can pretend to be a Kardashian (do nothing and get paid for it).

   I guess being a rich candidate became an issue sometime after the Kerry/Edwards campaign…

   Every time I hang out with my old roommate from college, we get drunk. I think he may have a drinking problem…

   I got 99 problems but an awesome right hand ain't one of them...

   Alcohol. Because no good story starts with, “This one time I ate a salad…”